


Together Apart

by TwelveTimes12



Category: Krashlyn - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:00:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6841762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwelveTimes12/pseuds/TwelveTimes12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This idea started when Ash was traded to Orlando. It's been simmering for a while. I felt it was finally time to write it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

“Hey...” Ashlyn said as she stuck out her hand. “I’m Ashlyn.”

Ali had just finished tying her shoes in preparation to take the field for her first practice with the national team. She had worked her butt off to finally get noticed on the highest level. Paying attention to the flirty girl in front of her was the last thing on her mind.

“Hey.” Ali answered back. She politely shook Ashlyn’s hand and said, “I’m Ali.”

Ashlyn’s half smile revealed a dimple that Ali hadn’t noticed before. She had heard of the UNC goalkeeper from her college days at Penn State and in her efforts to stay informed about the US team that she was hoping to someday be a part of.

Ashlyn stood above her, wearing a tank top that revealed her tan shoulders from days spent on the beach in her hometown.

“Nice to meet you, Ali.” Ashlyn said. She stuck her hand out again, this time as an offer to help the brunette to her feet. Ali accepted it and let Ash pull her up.

“Thanks.” Ali said. She finally became very aware that her hands were shaking. She wondered if it was the pressure and excitement of making the team, or if it had something to do with the blonde in front of her.

The teammates heard a voice call out to Ashlyn. The keeper winked at Ali and said, “Gotta go. Hope needs me.”

Ali watched as Ashlyn jogged toward the rest of the goalkeepers.

Ali was smitten.

...

“Ash, you need to stay away from her.” HAO warned.

Ashlyn didn’t like being told that she couldn’t have something. She replied, “She seems nice enough to me.”

Heather was Ali’s roommate and had a heart to heart talk with her that made her feel that Ashlyn needed to keep a distance from the newest member of the team.

“She’s going through some stuff. You need to back off.” Heather had a feeling that her friend wasn’t convinced, so she added, “For her sake!”

...

HAO’s attempt to keep the women apart only made Ashlyn more interested in Ali.

“You’re practically staring a hole into the back of her head.” Hope whispered.

She was the team’s #1 keeper and Ashlyn was currently the #4. Ashlyn was immediately embarrassed. Hope had caught her staring at Ali.

“The new girl’s hot!” Hope said as Ashlyn’s cheeks burned red.

“Her name’s Ali.” Ashlyn said quietly, with her head hanging low. She didn’t dare lift her eyes up. She wondered how many other people had noticed her crush.

Hope smacked Ash hard on the back and replied, “What are ya hanging out here for? Go talk to her.”

“I’m supposed to stay away from her.” Ash grumbled. She snuck a quick glaring look at HAO and then returned her eyes to the ground.

“Hmm...” Hope hummed in disapproval.

Ash met Hope’s eyes and asked, “What?”

The older goalkeeper shrugged and said, “I didn’t peg you as the type to give up just because someone told you to.”

Ashlyn felt a warmth fill her body as she turned her attention back to Ali. She felt like something big was about to happen. Something that would change her life forever.

...

Ali stretched out on her hotel room bed. Most of the team left in groups to shop, eat, or just spend time outside of the hotel. Ali was thankful for the time alone. So far she felt she had impressed the coaches and trainers. Her bold move to play in Germany right after college had paid off. She gained a wealth of experience and skills from one of the top women’s leagues in the world.

She could practically feel soreness in every muscle in her body. Between the workouts and practices, her body had been pushed to the limit. After changing into sweats and a t-shirt, she was ready to watch tv and zone out for the night.

She groaned when she heard a knock on her door.

After checking to see who it was, she pulled her hair out of the messy bun she had it in, and then opened the door.

“Ashlyn, what are you doing here?” Ali asked. She awkwardly stood in her place and chewed on her lip.

Ashlyn smiled and held out a single yellow rose. “I thought maybe we could go on a friend-date.”

“What’s a friend-date?” Ali asked with a smile. She smelled the flower, trying to hide the growing grin on her face.

Ash nervously cleared her throat and got ready to share the plan that she had come up with. “It’s where I take you to get some coffee...and maybe go for a walk.”

Ali examined her outfit and wished she had chosen to wear something less casual.

Ashlyn read her mind. “I think you look great.” She gave Ali her infamous half smile, revealing her dimpled cheek and added, “We’re athletes. We’re allowed to wear sweats on our down time.”

Ali sniffed her rose and decided that yellow might be her new favorite color. She returned Ashlyn’s smile and replied, “True. But I’m gonna change anyway.” She grabbed Ash by the arm and pulled her into her room and said, “Just give me two seconds.”

Ali took longer than two seconds...

But Ashlyn didn’t mind waiting.

...

“So....Ali Krieger...” Ashlyn handed Ali the coffee she had just ordered for her and asked, “...tell me about yourself.”

“Like...what do you wanna know?” Ali asked. She was starting to feel self-conscious. Ashlyn had a certain charm that she wasn’t used to.

“What’s your middle name?”

“Blaire.” Ali answered. Maybe Ashlyn’s choice of conversation wasn’t so intimidating after all.

“When did you start playing soccer?” Ash followed up.

Ali smiled and said, “You mean, football?”

“Yeah, I guess I do. Don’t mind me. I’m American.” Ash joked, as if Ali wasn’t as patriotic as her because of how she referred to their sport.

Ali laughed and answered, “Well, the rest of the world can’t be wrong.” She joked, “Maybe you should come to Germany with me and see what real football is all about.”

The mood of the evening had changed. There was a connection between the women that was flirty and exciting. For a moment, Ali got lost in the spark that had been lit between the two. Once she had caught her breath she answered Ashlyn.

“I was four.”

Ash had experienced the same feeling that Ali had. However, she was a little slower to recover.

“Uh, what?” Ash asked. She forgot that she had asked Ali a question.

“I started playing soccer when I was four. My dad coached me for most of my childhood years.”

“Oh...yeah.” Ash replied, as she was reminded about what she had asked.

Ashlyn was desperate to find out more about the beautiful woman in front of her.

“Are you really close with your dad?” Ash asked.

Ali took a deep breath and slowly released it. She would have come up with an easier answer, if it was anyone else. But something inside her really wanted to open up to Ashlyn.

She answered, “Yeah. Sorta. We were really close until my parents split up. Then we had a couple of hard years. When I left for college we got closer. Now we’re pretty close, but it wasn’t always that way.”

“What caused the distance between you?” Ash asked.

Ali sighed. Things were about to get really serious.

“You sure you want to hear all of this?” Ali asked. Until this point, things had been fun and easy. She didn’t want to ruin their friend-date.

“Absolutely sure.” Ash answered. “We’re friends, remember?”

Ali wore a slight smile as she thought about the effort Ashlyn had put into making her feel like she had a real friend at camp. “Alright...” Ali said. “You asked for it.”

Ali told Ashlyn about her struggle with her sexuality in high school and college, and how that only added to the guilt she felt for her parents’ divorce. She always felt that she had somehow been the cause of her mom and dad ending their marriage. Her soccer career had been the family’s priority for years, especially for her father. She carried her guilt for the divorce, and then for her brother’s addiction issues for a long time. Ali revealed that she sometimes still felt guilty.

“It’s not your fault.” Ash said without any hint of doubt in her voice. “You can’t blame yourself for that stuff.”

“Easier said than done.” Ali replied. “Maybe if my parents weren’t always focused on me, and if my dad didn’t travel so much for my teams and tournaments...maybe they never would have spilt up. It was a lot of extra pressure on them.” There was a shake in her voice when she added, “They’re marriage fell apart as the distance grew between them....Our entire family fell apart, actually.”

Ashlyn didn’t know what to say. There really wasn’t anything she could say. She settled for, “I’m sorry, Ali.”

“It’s not your fault.” Ali said and wiped a tear from her eye. “I’m sorry.” She apologized for getting emotional in front of her. “I don’t want to spoil our time together.”

“You haven’t spoiled anything.” Ash encouraged.

“Let’s talk about you now.” Ali said as she dabbed her eyes with a napkin Ashlyn had offered her.

“Ok...” Ash replied. “I guess you’ve earned it.” She took a sip of coffee and shared. “When I was a kid, my parents split up too. They both had their own issues. My Grandparents practically raised me. I worked my butt off to get a scholarship at UNC because there was no other way I could afford to go to college on my own. I tore my ACL in college and then my first practice back after a painfully long recovery, I tore it again.”

Ali’s eyes grew big as Ash shared her story. She was so open. It was as if she didn’t have a second thought about opening up to her.

“When I was younger...and sometimes now...I struggle with depression. I work hard everyday to overcome it.”

“Wow.” Ali sighed. She didn’t mean to say it out loud, but she was caught off guard by Ashlyn’s honesty.

Ashlyn smiled and asked, “Too much, too soon?”

“No.” Ali replied. She reached for Ashlyn’s hand and said, “It was perfect. Thank you.”

The next day, Ali would obsess over her words. She would question every last syllable. She thought she sounded utterly ridiculous...thanking Ashlyn and saying that her words were perfect. She thought for sure Ash had figured out that she was falling for her.

But in the moment, she was completely lost in Ashlyn’s beautiful eyes.

...

After a week of ‘friend-dates,’ Ashlyn decided to take a chance.

“Ali, I know that you live in Germany and I live in New York, but maybe me and you can be more than friends.”

Ali shook her head and answered, “I don’t know, Ash. I think we shouldn’t rush into anything.”

“Yeah, but...” Ashlyn didn’t want to resort to begging, but she also didn’t want to miss out on an opportunity to be with Ali. “We have a connection. You can’t deny that. I’m not saying we get married, or anything. I’m just asking you to give me a chance.”

“Ash, I don’t think it would work.” Ali replied.

She watched as all the color left her friend’s face. Ali knew that their relationship wasn’t simply a friendship. She knew that their week together was naturally leading toward something more. She should have stopped it at the beginning, but she couldn’t help herself.

...

Ali returned to Germany, and Ashlyn found her way back to New York. It didn’t take long for Ali to feel like she had made a mistake. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t think of Ashlyn. After only a week together, Ash had become someone important to her.

Just as Ash came up with a plan to get to know her during their last camp together, Ali came up with one too. She decided that she would send Ash a casual message once a week, in order to keep in contact with her in some way. The second part of her plan was to make a move at their next camp together.

Unfortunately for Ali, Ashlyn didn’t get called into the next camp.

...

Ali worried that she had missed her chance. After she returned to national team camp and Ashlyn wasn’t there, she felt like Ash was pulling away from her. As time passed, it took her longer and longer to respond to her messages.

They were finally reunited when the USWNT played a friendly near where Ashlyn played soccer with the New York Flash. She had left a message, asking Ash to meet with her after the game, but the blonde didn’t return her call. Ali went back and forth about her decision to surprise Ashlyn at one of her games while the national team was in town. A few other NT members also attended the game, but Ali preferred to sit alone. She needed answers. The biggest questions she had were for herself.

Why did she care so much about Ashlyn Harris?

And why did it hurt so much when she pulled away from her?

...

“Great job, Ash...” Ali tried to sound excited about the big saves Ashlyn had made, but her nerves were clearly heard.

Ashlyn was covered in grass stains and dirt. She felt the same way Ali did when she first surprised her at her hotel room and invited her on a friend-date. Compared to Ali’s perfect...everything, she felt imperfect.

“What are you doing here, Ali?” Ash asked. She tried to smooth out her hair, but was met with a sweaty mess. She wiped her hands on her shorts and waited for an answer.

“I tried calling you.” Ali answered. “Did you get my messages?”

“Yeah.” Ashlyn answered in guilt.

“Why didn’t you call me back?”

Ashlyn replied, but didn’t really give an answer. “You didn’t say you were coming here.”

“Ashlyn, I’m really trying to understand. Why have you been avoiding me?”

Ash used her foot to dig into the ground anxiously. She looked at everything she could find to look at that wasn’t Ali.

“Ash!” Ali waved her hands in front of her friend’s face and asked, “Why are you avoiding me?”

Ash let out a huff of resignation and answered, “I guess I was embarrassed.”

“Why would you be embarrassed?”

“Because I acted like I was a camp veteran and that I belonged there. I don’t know...”

Ali softened her tone and asked, “Did you think I would think less of you because you weren’t on the national team?”

Ashlyn shrugged and answered, “I don’t know...I know I think less of me.”

“Ashlyn...” Ali’s words were muffled by the tight hug she pulled Ash into. “I don’t think less of you. I never could.”

“I’m all sweaty.” Ash mumbled into Ali’s shoulder.

“I don’t care. I’ve waited too long to talk to you.”

Ashlyn took a step back and asked, “Can you wait a little longer?”

...

Ali waited a little longer. Ashlyn requested that Ali wait long enough for her to take a shower and change into something more presentable. Ashlyn brought Ali back to her apartment and cooked dinner for the two of them.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t been as available as I should’ve been.” Ash apologized.

Ali held back a laugh and asked, “Is that a nicer way of saying you’re sorry for ignoring me?”

“Yeah.” Ash answered. “Sorry.”

“You weren’t the only one who was disappointed in your absence on the national team.” Ali said. Her voice lowered, causing Ashlyn to have to lean in to hear her. “I was hoping to ask you out on a real date the next time I saw you.”

“Oh...” Ash replied. She took a few calming breaths and said, “This is the next time you saw me.”

Ali laughed at Ash’s realization and added, “As a matter of fact, it is. So...” Ali reached for Ashlyn’s hand and asked, “You ready to go on a date with me?”

“Technically, we’re kinda already on a date.” Ash replied. “I made you dinner. We’re holding hands.” Ashlyn smirked and added, “I can open a bottle of wine, if you want.”

“This is not a date.” Ali argued. “You can’t trick me into going on a date with you.”

“I didn’t trick you.”

Ali further explained, “You didn’t tell me we were on a date. It can’t be a date unless both people attending are aware of the intentions of the evening.”

“Who made up that rule?”

“Ashlyn, you can’t be serious.”

Ash narrowed her eyes suspiciously and said, “You want first date credit.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“You want everyone to know that you’re the one who initiated this.” Ashlyn further explained. “You know that we’re gonna tell this story over and over again and you want to be able to take the credit.”

“Well, I did surprise you at your game. I’m the one who didn’t give up. I think it’s fair to say that I’m the reason we’re together right now.”

Ashlyn argued, “All that’s fair to say is that you’re a borderline stalker.”

“We’re about to get into our first fight. Do you want to steal credit for that too?” Ali joked and threw her napkin at Ashlyn.

Both women flirtatiously argued back and forth all night.

When it came time for Ashlyn to take Ali back to the hotel the team was staying at, she pulled up to the front entrance.

“You sure you don’t want to come in and say hello to everyone?” Ali asked. Her left hand rested on Ashlyn’s thigh.

Ashlyn answered, “Nah. I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“Just say, hello.” Ali replied. She squeezed Ashlyn’s leg for encouragement. “I don’t want to say goodbye yet.”

Ashlyn smiled, revealing Ali’s favorite dimples and said, “I really would rather not say goodbye to you either, but you’ve got a curfew and I’ve gotta go.”

Ash cut off Ali’s attempt to argue with a kiss.

It took a horn honking from a car behind them to bring them out of their romantic moment. Ashlyn placed one more quick kiss on Ali’s lips before the two finally parted ways.

Ashlyn received a text in the middle of the night from Ali.

_“I know why you kissed me.”_

Ashlyn groggily typed, _“Because you’re hot.”_

A second text came from Ali before Ash could send her reply.

_“You wanted to be able to take credit for our first kiss! You’re such a jerk!”_

Ashlyn laughed and added to her original message before sending it. _“You caught me. I’m a jerk, but I also did it because you’re hot. So, next time dial down the hotness or deal with the consequences.”_

Ali quietly giggled before typing, _“I know you’re trying to be funny, but all I can think about is how this is the fastest you’ve every responded to one of my messages. I hope we can stay in touch._ ”

Ali had completely changed the tone of the conversation. Ash took a few minutes to reply, because she wanted her words to be right. Ali had a mini freak out during that time and wondered if she had scared Ash off. She sighed in relief when her phone received Ashlyn’s message.

_“I’m sorry. I promise I won’t let you down. I really like you. I want this to work.”_

Ali smiled and typed one final message before going to sleep, _“I really want this to work too. You’re different than anyone I have ever dated. I have to get to bed, but I want you to know that I really think you’re amazing. Goodnight.”_

Ashlyn felt butterflies in her stomach when she read Ali’s text.

_“Goodnight, Ali. I’ll call you tomorrow.”_


	2. True Love

Ashlyn promised Ali that she would call her the morning after their first official date. She kept her promise. Ash called her from the hotel parking lot and asked her out on their second official date. 

“I thought we were going out for breakfast.” Ali laughed. 

Ashlyn had stopped at a bagel shop and had a bag of breakfast sandwiches in her backseat. Her plan was to take Ali all over the city, starting with a picnic at a local park. 

“I’m assuming one of these juices is for me.” Ali guessed. 

Ashlyn nodded and replied, “I didn’t know if you were an OJ girl, or more of an apple juice lover. Pick whichever one you want.”

“You’re sweet.” Ali said and then asked, “Do you have a preference?”

Ashlyn smiled and answered, “My preference is that you don’t have to leave tonight. I couldn’t care less about the juice.”

Ali leaned into Ashlyn and placed a soft kiss on her cheek before taking a sip of the orange juice.

...

“I can’t believe you’ve never been on the subway before.” Ashlyn said. Ali used Ash as a support to keep from falling. 

Ashlyn smiled at the contact. Ali had started with one hand holding onto an overhead bar, but once the subway car started moving, she leaned against Ashlyn and used her free arm to hold onto her. 

“I have a confession to make.” Ali said. Her cheek rested against Ashlyn’s. “I have been on the subway before. I just told you that I hadn’t so that I could get closer to you.”

Ashlyn replied, “I have a confession to make, too. I brought you on this specific route because I knew it would be a little shaky. I was hoping that I could use it as an excuse to hold you.”

“Maybe we should just be honest with each other.” Ali said. She let her fingers swim in Ashlyn’s blonde hair. She pulled her face close to hers’ until their lips touched. She whispered, “I want to consume as much of you as I can before I leave.”

Ashlyn’s hand slipped around Ali’s waist. She pulled Ali’s body further into her and said, “I think I can arrange that.”

The short subway ride felt like an eternity.

...

“So, you and Harris are getting kind of close.” HAO said, trying to sound casual. She had warned Ashlyn about getting into a relationship with Ali. It seemed that her words had been ignored.

Ali smiled at the thought of Ashlyn...specifically at the thought of how she and Ash had spent their time together in Ashlyn’s apartment that afternoon. 

“I guess you could say that.” Ali replied.

HAO had gone to college with Ashlyn and knew a lot of her personal struggles. She thought of Ashlyn as a little sister, and felt it was her duty to protect her. 

“How are things going with your ex?” HAO asked. She had roomed with Ali during a previous national team camp and the two of them had talked about Ali’s most recent breakup. 

Ali was caught of guard by the question. It was a sore subject for her. “Um, things are fine. Why?”

“I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Heather said in a tone of warning. 

Ali was taken back by HAO’s words. She defensively asked, “What are you trying to say?”

“There’s another side to Ashlyn. If you’re not ready for something new, maybe now is not the time for you to start something with her. I wouldn't want her to get hurt. She’s sensitive. That’s all I’m saying.”

Ali had had a wonderful day with Ash. The two of them made each other happy and the chemistry between them was electric. Heather’s words were a total buzz kill.

“You don’t need to protect Ashlyn from me.” Ali said. She added, “Things are over between me and my ex. I’m completely over it.”

...

Things, for the most part, were over between Ali and her ex. She had dated one of her teammates who she had become close to in Germany. The two women were still friends and still carpooled to practice together. Ali hadn’t told Ashlyn about her. She didn’t want to cause any unnecessary drama while the two were apart. Ali hadn’t had a chance to learn whether Ashlyn was a jealous person. She felt it wasn’t the right time to go through her dating history with her brand new long distant girlfriend. After talking to HAO, she especially didn’t want to say anything that might hurt Ashlyn.

The couple had dated for a couple of months when Ashlyn revealed that she was going to fly home for the weekend after her game in Atlanta to visit her Grandmother, who had recently been hospitalized. Ali felt horrible that she couldn’t be there with her and hated how helpless she felt being so far away. 

Ali sent Ash’s Grandma flowers and sent Ashlyn a giant heart-shaped cookie, with an encouraging note attached. She felt silly about it and wondered if it would make any difference at all. Ashlyn’s Skype call that night settled her doubts.

The first words Ali heard Ash say once the call was connected were, “You’re freaking amazing!”

“You’re sweet.” Ali replied. “Did your Grandma like the flowers?”

Ashlyn smiled wide and answered, “She loved them. She said you’re a keeper.”

“I felt so bad that I couldn’t be there to give you a hug. I know how much she means to you.” Ali explained.  

"I’ll put it on your tab.” Ash joked. “By the time we see each other you’ll owe me a million hugs.”

“How about just one long hug?” Ali compromised.   
Ashlyn smirked and said, “Maybe we can have a some kind of system...like an exchange rate.”

“What the heck does that mean?”

“For example, ten hugs could equal one kiss.” Ashlyn explained. “And the more hugs and kisses accumulate, the higher the exchange rate.”

Ali refrained from commenting. She waited for Ash to further explain her idea. 

“So like...you know...um...” Ashlyn was tongue-tied. She was hoping to only insinuate certain things, but Ali’s silence forced her to continue her idea in more detail. 

“You said I owe you a million hugs.” Ali flirted. “What do a million hugs equal? If ten hugs equal a kiss...I can’t even do the math for a million.”

Ashlyn’s breath caught in her chest and blush found it’s way to her face. She licked her lips unconsciously and answered, “The exchange rate changes constantly, but I would think a million hugs could be worth a lot by the time we’re together again.”

“I would think so.” Ali agreed. She winked and added, “But honestly, I would do just about anything for free.”

...

“This one here, took me on the subway for the sole purpose of making me have to hold onto her for support. If she wasn’t so cute, it’d be creepy.” Ali explained. Ashlyn had driven to Boston for a couple of days to visit Ali while the national team was in town, and Ali couldn’t hold back telling everyone about their last time together in New York. 

“You are such a liar. You are the one who used it as an excuse to get close to me!” Ash argued.    
Ali shook her head and said, “You’re the one who has a car and chose to take me on the subway. I think that settles the argument.”

After Ashlyn’s cheeks turned red from embarrassment, Ali leaned into her and whispered. “It was cute. I loved it.”

Everyone listening to the two were either grossed out by their flirting, or swooning along with them. Their connection was undeniable.

...

The team had two weeks off from international duties between camp and traveling to the World Cup. Ali was lucky because she already lived close to where the tournament was going to take place. However, she decided that she wanted to stay in the states for her time off. Everyone she wanted to see was in the U.S.

Ali and Ashlyn were about to take a big step in their relationship. Ali thought about how she wanted to spend her two weeks of vacation, and she couldn’t decide between Ashlyn and her family. Her solution was to bring Ashlyn home to meet her family.

“Are you nervous?” Ali asked. She held her girlfriend’s hand as they waited for their bags at baggage claim. 

Ashlyn shrugged wordlessly in reply.

“Babe, you don’t need to be nervous. They’ll love you.” Ali promised. 

“I don’t want to mess this up.” Ash replied. “I don’t usually get to meet parents.”

“You’ve never met any of your ex-girlfriends’ parents before?” Ali asked. 

Ash shook her head and said, “No. But I met an ex-boyfriend’s parents.” 

That peaked Ali’s interest. “Boyfriend...Really?”

“Yeah, it was my freshman year of college and we were both really just searching for someone to cure our loneliness.” Ash answered. “We were together for six months. I always got a bad vibe from his mom. I think she thought I wasn’t good enough for him. His family was well off and mine wasn’t. I don’t think she thought much of me being a soccer player, either.”

“You don’t have to worry about my family not approving of your profession.” Ali joked, trying her best to lighten the mood and lessen her girlfriend's nerves. “They think I’m awesome and I just happen to be a soccer player, myself.”

Ali thought she’d get at least a polite chuckle, but Ashlyn nervously chewed on her thumbnail and said, “Your dad’s gonna hate me.”

“Ashlyn, why would you even say that?” Ali asked. She swatted away Ash’s hand from her mouth in an attempt to save her fingernail and said, “He’s gonna love you. You’re amazing!”

“I need to go to the bathroom.” Ash abruptly announced. She dropped her carry-on at Ali’s feet and turned around quickly to find the nearest restroom. 

Ali normally would not have thought twice about following her, but she had the feeling that Ashlyn needed a moment alone. It took a few minutes for Ashlyn to return. When she did return, Ali stayed quiet. 

“I threw up.” Ash finally said.

“Are you sick?” Ali asked. She pressed her palm against Ashlyn’s forehead to check for a fever. 

Ashlyn sheepishly answered, “I told you I was nervous.”

“You threw up because you’re nervous?” Ali asked. She pulled Ash into a hug and kissed cheek. “I love that you care so much.” 

Ashlyn appreciated her girlfriend seeing her nerves as a positive thing. It made the moment feel less humiliating.

Ali’s mom was the first family member to meet Ashlyn. She picked the women up from the airport. The first thing Deb did when she saw them was give Ashlyn a big hug. 

“Ashlyn, honey, it is so nice to finally meet you!” Ali’s mom exclaimed. “Alex has told us so much about you.”

Ashlyn felt accepted in Ali’s mother’s arms. It was a strange feeling. The woman was filled with warmth and kindness towards her. She was not expecting that.

“Um, excuse me. Your only daughter over here...” Ali sassed. She snapped her fingers and added, “Am I invisible, or what?” 

Ali’s mother made up for the momentary snub and swallowed her up in a hug. Ashlyn grinned when she realized that Ali has her mother’s smile. The two women made Ash feel happy and at ease just by watching them interact.

Ashlyn’s nerves returned the next morning when she and her girlfriend joined Ali’s dad for breakfast. 

“You got a mint, or some gum, or something?” Ash whispered. The couple held hands as they walked in the parking lot of the restaurant where Ali’s Dad had told them to meet him.

“Did you throw up again?” Ali asked. She was really starting to worry about Ashlyn’s nervous stomach.

Ashlyn shrugged and answered, “I can’t help it.”

“Ashlyn, I told you...he’s gonna love you.”

...

Ali’s Dad was cordial. He was polite, but quiet. Ashlyn didn’t have to ask. Ali gave her opinion of their time with her Dad.

“I’m his little girl, you know. I think he doesn’t want to come off too nice. A little fear is healthy, right?” 

Ashlyn threw her hands up and said, “I thought everything was fine. Are you saying it wasn’t?”

Ali wanted to take her words back once she heard her girlfriend's reaction. “Baby, I didn’t say it went bad.”

“What were you trying to say?”

“He was just a little quieter than usual. You’re the first girl I’ve ever brought home.”

Suddenly Ashlyn’s nerves and fears seemed to fade. The realization of what Ali had said sunk in and made her realize something. The woman of her dreams made her feel like she had never felt in her life.

Ashlyn was falling in love.

...

“I wish you could come with me.” Ali whined. She couldn’t bear to let go of her girlfriend. 

Ashlyn held Ali tight and said, “I wish I could go too. I’ll be watching and cheering for you from home. I’ll be here when you get back.”

The women shared a kiss before letting go of one another. 

“Ashlyn, there’s something else I want to tell you.” Ali said. She felt her body shaking and wondered if she would lose the ability to stand. Her girlfriend had a way of sweeping her off her feet. 

Ali summoned the courage to finally say what was on her heart, “I love you.” She leaned in, ready for a kiss. Her lips pressed against Ashlyn’s, but her girlfriend didn’t return the kiss.

“What?” Ali asked. Ash’s response was not what she was expecting. 

“Who’s the jerk now?” Ash asked. She passionately kissed Ali and said, “I was gonna say it first.”

Ali’s head was spinning. She had just taken a huge step in their relationship, Ashlyn was talking nonsense, and kissing her after NOT kissing her. 

Ali was very confused. 

“You beat me.” Ash explained. “I wanted to wait until after you won the World Cup....but you beat me.”

Ashlyn wasn’t really angry, of course. She felt like she had won the lottery. The woman of her dreams stood in front of her and declared her love. It was a fairytale that until she met Ali, she never thought she could be a part of...True Love.

“You love me?” Ali asked. Ashlyn had yet to say it and it was really all that Ali wanted to hear from her lips. No jokes. No more explanation. She just wanted to hear her say the three words that she had been waiting her whole life to hear.

Ashlyn’s dimpled smile lit up Ali’s world when she answered, “I love you, Ali.”


	3. The Loss & The Lie

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” 

Ali had used her day off to stop at her apartment. She was hoping to have some privacy for a Skype date she had planned with Ashlyn. The day before was the Semi-Final against Brazil and she had taken the game-winning PK that sent them to the Finals to meet Japan. Their hotel was close enough to her apartment for her to sneak out for a few hours without being missed. She couldn’t wait to talk to her girlfriend.

Before she could get inside, Ali ran into her ex-girlfriend in the parking lot.

“Great minds think alike.” Her ex replied. “Congratulations, by the way. I think you guys will go all the way. You really know how to keep things exciting, don’t you?”

Ali laughed and nodded, “Yesterday’s game about gave me a heart attack.”

“You’re not the only one.” The German national team member added, “I’m still mad at you for beating us, by the way.” 

“I would apologize, but I try not to lie.” Ali joked. 

“I’d rather you lie.” The woman replied. The former couple shared one more laugh before Ali finally made her way to her apartment.

...

“Alex, you were amazing! I chewed off all my nails during the PKs. You looked so calm and collected. I don’t know how you did it. I’m so proud of you!” Ashlyn gushed. 

Ali was exhausted from the tournament, and especially the extra long game against Brazil the day before, but Ashlyn’s face and voice was like a shot of energy. She tried to cover her face and hide her smile, but Ashlyn didn’t miss how happy she looked. 

 

“Babe, you are so beautiful.” Ashlyn said softly. “Like make me lose my breath beautiful.”

Ali’s smile left her face when she said, “I wish you were here.” Her eyes began to water when she added, “I miss you. I want to share all of this with you.”

“I wish I could be there, too. Soon you’ll be home and we’ll be together again.” 

As Ashlyn replied, both women heard a quick knock and a voice call out. 

“I forgot to ask...” Ali’s ex was also her neighbor and had a question she wanted to ask Ali. 

She was used to visiting unannounced and the former couple’s comfort level with one another was enough for her to regularly enter Ali’s apartment without being greeted at the door first. It was as normal an occurrence as could be, but Ashlyn didn’t feel that way.

“...Do you have plans for dinner tonight?” The woman asked in German, so Ashlyn had no idea what she said. 

Ali replied in German that she had plans with her family. The woman quickly said goodbye and left Ali alone with her girlfriend, who felt farther away than ever.

“Who was that?” Ash asked. 

Ali felt her heart rate quicken. She wasn’t sure how honest she should be. Technically it wouldn’t be a lie to tell her that the surprise guest was her teammate, but it certainly wouldn’t be the whole truth either.

“She’s a neighbor and Frankfurt teammate.” Ali answered. 

Things were going too well for her to ruin it now. Ali had the biggest game of her life coming up, and upsetting her girlfriend was the last thing she needed on her mind.

...

When the United States lost the Final to Japan, the women all responded in their own way. Ali cried and spent most of her downtime with her parents before they returned to the states. Ashlyn tried to comfort her, but there wasn’t much she could do so far away.

After all the post tournament media appearances and team obligations, Ali returned to the East coast to visit her family. Ashlyn made the trip to visit her. She felt like she couldn’t get there soon enough.

Ali was understandably disappointed. She had worked her entire life to play in a World Cup final. The hype and excitement of the Brazil match was nothing compared to the bitter sting of defeat.

The couple shared a porch swing on the front deck of Ali’s father’s house. Ali stared at the moon, searching for some kind of deeper meaning and strength to help her get through what she was feeling.

While Ali’s eyes focused on the starry night sky, Ashlyn’s gaze never left Ali.

“Alex, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. You played your heart out. You were one of the most consistently good players in the whole tournament.” Ashlyn encouraged. 

Ali knew that her girlfriend was trying, but her words didn’t help one bit.

“I was so proud of you. I made my team watch every single game. I wore the jersey you gave me...” 

Ashlyn was looking for anything she could think of to make her girlfriend smile. 

It only made Ali feel worse.

 

The defender cut her off and said, “I know it’s not fair to you, but I really need some space right now.”

Ash took a sharp breath. Ali’s words weren’t harsh, but they cut like a knife. Ashlyn took a long moment to answer. Ali was too upset herself, to try to make Ash feel better. She knew she had hurt her.

Ash finally replied, “Whatever you want.” She stood from her place on the swing and added, “I’ll go for a walk.”

Ashlyn didn’t want to go inside and try to explain why Ali didn’t want to be with her. She felt leaving was her best option at maintaining some pride in front of her girlfriend’s family. 

...

It took a couple of weeks for Ali to get back to her old self with Ashlyn. She was still in the US and eventually joined Ash in New York for the week of the WPS championship game. Ashlyn had been named WPS Goalkeeper of the year. Ali was extremely proud of her girlfriend.

The day of the final, she watched the game from a suite. She wasn’t as demonstrative in her cheering as she would have liked to be. Due to the World Cup, her face had become a lot more familiar to the fans than before. There were several people who wanted her autograph and many more who took pictures of her during the match. It was wonderful that the US had inspired so many, and gained more fans, but it was also a reminder that they had lost. Ali was trying to manage her many conflicting emotions.

She whispered to herself, “I’m here for Ash.” She took a calming breath after she signed another autograph and took a few more pictures with eager fans. She was starting to think she shouldn’t have gone to the game.

When the game came down to PKs, Ali’s doubts quickly disappeared. When she watched her girlfriend make the game-winning save and be named player of the match, all reservations left. She cheered her heart out for her favorite keeper.

After the game, the women met in the parking lot. Ash had given Ali her car keys before the match. Ali was waiting in her girlfriend’s Jeep. Ash made Ali drive her home. She was exhausted from the game, trophy presentation, and celebration.

The couple went straight to bed once they arrived at Ash’s apartment.

“Baby, I am so proud of you.” Ali said. Ashlyn’s head rested in her lap. 

Ali wasn’t tired. Instead of laying down with Ash she sat with her back against the headboard and massaged her exhausted girlfriend's head and neck. 

Ashlyn hummed a response. Her eyes were closed and she was moments from falling asleep. 

After Ali leaned down and kissed her forehead, Ash mumbled, “Love you.”

...

Ashlyn followed Ali back to Germany. Her season was over. She had no reason not to spend some time with her girlfriend. 

It happened one morning when Ashlyn was slowly trying to wake up. She was in Ali’s bed when she heard a quick knock and then a quiet conversation in German. The voice sounded familiar. Her legs felt heavy and her vision was still blurred, but she managed to make her way to the doorway of Ali’s bedroom. She watched quietly as the two women conversed. Her girlfriend laughed a lot when they spoke and playfully touched the woman’s arm. 

Once Ash got a good look at the visitor, she recognized more than just her voice. She had seen her before. She didn’t know her, but she knew of her. Ashlyn wondered why Ali didn’t give her more details about who she was when they had Skyped during the World Cup. 

Ashlyn watched the woman leave, and then watched Ali turn toward her bedroom anxiously. It looked to Ash like her girlfriend felt guilty. 

When their eyes met, Ali explained, “She wanted to know about some team stuff.”

Ashlyn didn’t argue, or try to find out more info, but Ali could feel something had changed.

Ashlyn was right...Ali felt guilty.

...

Later that night, Ali got an idea. She wanted to show Ashlyn that she wasn’t trying to hide anything. She invited her entire team to get drinks and meet Ash. 

The blonde played along. She still felt like something was off, but all she had was a feeling. Ash felt it wasn’t fair to Ali for her to get upset over just a feeling.

The evening with Ali’s teammates was going well...at least at first.

The same woman who Ashlyn caught Ali talking to that morning started having a conversation with the brunette in German. Ash had heard her speak English before that. In her mind, there was no reason for her to say anything to Ali in German unless it was to make sure she couldn’t understand it.

Ali looked uncomfortable the entire time they spoke. 

Ashlyn’s ominous feeling was starting to get stronger.

...

“Alex, what are you doing here?” Ashlyn asked. 

After Ash had returned to Florida she wasn’t expecting to see Ali until after Olympic qualifiers. Ali had something she needed to say, and she needed to do it in person.

Ashlyn added before Ali could answer, “I wish you would have told me you were coming, I could have planned my schedule better...How long are you here for?”

“Not long.” Ali answered. 

The brunette took a deep breath and said, “We need to talk.”

...

It would have been easy for Ali to make it quick and retreat to her mother and stepfather’s home in Miami, but Ashlyn deserved better. 

They talked for two hours. 

Ashlyn still didn’t understand.

“Why?” Ashlyn asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

“It’s just too hard.” Ali answered.

Ash wanted to cry, but she loved Ali too much to allow herself to accept what was happening as a reality. 

“I thought things were good.” Ash replied. “We love each other. Why are you doing this?”

Unlike Ashlyn, Ali couldn’t hide from reality. Her heart was breaking.

“Ash, it’s the distance. Distance changes things.”

“But we’ve always had distance.” Ash argued. 

Ali didn’t know how to be more clear. She said the first thing that came to her mind. “It’s like with my parents. The more my Dad was on the road, the further my parents drifted apart. The distance changed them. They stopped loving each other.”

“You don’t love me anymore?” Ash asked, wanting Ali to say it out loud.

Ali’s tears poured out. Ashlyn’s face was like stone. She felt an inevitable sadness knocking on the door of her heart. She needed Ali to say it before she let the sadness completely consume her.

“Ash, I don’t know what to say.”

“Have you stopped loving me?” 

“Yes...” Ali lied. 

It seemed easier than telling the truth. 

The truth was that she was afraid. 

Ashlyn felt the sadness finally find it’s way in when she replied, “You can leave now.”

...

Ali tried to keep track of Ashlyn after she left her that day. The truth was she loved her, but she was scared to death of their long distance relationship. She felt that the more she fell in love with her, the more it would eventually hurt when they inevitably broke up. Her parents’ divorce made her feel that she was destined to repeat the same mistakes. She felt that it was only a matter of time before it all ended anyway. She might as well end it now, before it got even harder to let go.

After their breakup, Ali began to see the things that HAO had warned her of. Ashlyn pulled away from the world. Every single day, Ali would check to see if Ash had posted anything on her social media accounts, but it was as if she had vanished. Ashlyn, who was normally an open book and regularly engaged with her friends and fans, had completely disappeared. 

She didn’t know what else to do. She called Whitney.

Whitney was also a member of Ashlyn’s WPS team. She also happened to be a former college teammate and best friend of Ash. 

“Whit, I need you to do me a favor, but you can’t tell anyone that I asked.” Ali said, as soon as Whitney picked up.

“Hello to you too, Ali.” Whitney said sarcastically. “I don’t even get a Hi, how are you?...or at least a Hello?”

“Sorry.” Ali replied. “Hi, how are you?”

“Fine.” Whit answered with a short laugh. “Now, what do you want?”

Ali spoke to Whitney about Ashlyn. She didn’t go into detail about the breakup, and she was thankful that Whit didn’t ask. Both women expressed concern about the goalkeeper. Whit told Ali that there were some rumors about the WPS folding and that she had found out through one of Ashlyn’s family members on twitter that Ash’s grandmother was sick again. 

Ashlyn’s entire life was falling apart.

Ali had to ask, “Can you check on her? She needs someone.”

Whitney answered, “She needs you. You obviously still love her.”

“It’s complicated, Whit. I wish I could be the person, but I can’t.”

There was a long, sad pause between the women. Whitney finally broke the silence.

“I’ll do it.”

...

Whitney flew from her family’s home in California to Ashlyn’s apartment in Florida. Ash and her brother shared a place by the beach. This was not Whit’s first trip to visit Ashlyn. She was close with Ashlyn’s whole family. When she didn’t find Ash at her place, she called Ashlyn’s cousin. Her cousin was able to guess where she’d be. Whitney shook her head. She should have known.

After a short walk to Ashlyn’s favorite beach, Whitney found her best friend. Ashlyn was surfing the small waves. Whit could tell she was getting frustrated. The waves just weren’t big enough for her to ride.

Whitney waved her in and waited for her friend to meet her on the shore. 

“Hey.” Ashlyn greeted. Her voice sounded weary. Usually Whitney would be greeted with excitement and a crushing hug. Ali was right. Ashlyn was not okay.

Whitney hugged her friend and explained before Ash could ask, “I wanted to surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished.” Ash replied. 

...

Whitney ended up staying for a week. She wished she could stay longer, but she had a life to get back to. When Ali asked how Ashlyn was, she told her the truth.

“Not good.”

When Ali asked for specifics, Whitney chose her words carefully. Ashlyn had told her about the way Ali had broken up with her. Whit was trying to walk a thin line between the two of them. She knew Ali must still care about Ash, but Ashlyn would always be her priority when it concerned the ex-couple. 

Ali asked, “What’s happening? Is she okay?”

“Ali, she told me everything.” Whitney replied. 

Ali thought for sure Whit was mad at her, but she couldn’t stop now. “Whitney, please...How is she?”

“She’s struggling.” Whitney answered. “She’s maintaining her training, but if it wasn’t for soccer I don’t think she’d be able to get out of bed.”

Whitney didn’t tell Ali that Ashlyn had stopped eating anything that wasn’t part of her training regimen. She stopped listening to music. Ash didn’t hang out with any of her friends. The day Whit found her on the beach was the first time Ashlyn had tried to surf in a while, and it didn’t feel the same. 

It was as if anything that used to bring Ash pleasure, was no longer a part of her life. She had no desire to do anything that could bring her joy. 

When Whit asked Ashlyn about it, Ash simply said, “Joy doesn’t belong in my life anymore.”

“Why did you leave her?” Ali asked. She worried that Ashlyn shouldn’t be alone.

Whitney responded with a bit of a bite, “I could ask you the same question.”

Ali decided it was time to reach out to Ashlyn.


	4. Not An Option

Ali typed out the same sentences several times. She had deleted her message many times before finally sending it.

_“Hey, Ash. I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you are okay. I miss you.”_

Ali had sent Ashlyn the message privately over twitter. After she finally sent it, she went to sleep.

The next morning she checked to see if Ash had responded. In a way, Ashlyn did respond. She unfollowed her so that she couldn’t send her anymore messages.

Ali was feeling rejected and desperate.

...

“I know what you’re thinking.” Ali said.

The national team was in Canada for Olympic Qualifiers and HAO had just taken the seat on the bus next to her. Neither of them usually sat next to each other. It was an obvious attempt to talk to the defender.

“You sure about that?” HAO asked.

“You hate me.” Ali replied. “I hurt Ash. That’s what you’re thinking...even though I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt her.”

Heather bumped Ali with her shoulder to get her to stop blaming herself and hear her out. “I’m not here because of Ashlyn. I’m here because of you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

HAO shared a hug with her friend and explained, “I know you love her. I know you’re hurting. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. Even though I am protective of Ashlyn, I am still your friend too.”

“I do love her.” Ali admitted. “I was scared. Everything is so passionate with us. Being separated from her...even when we were together...it hurt so much.”

“Is that why you ended it?” HAO asked. No one could have predicted the breakup. Ashlyn and Ali seemed to share something special.

Ali sighed regretfully and answered, “I don’t even know anymore. I thought that it would be easier to end things before they got even more serious. I missed her so much...and now I not only miss her, but I ache for her. I messed up. That’s the only explanation I have.”

“Have you tried talking to her?” Heather asked.

Ali leaned forward and put her face in her hands. She wanted to cry when she answered, “I tried. She won’t talk to me.”

“Are you just gonna give up?”

“HAO, she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to hear from me! What am I supposed to do? Go against her wishes?” Ali replied.

She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. The more she talked about Ashlyn, the harder it became to hide the truth.

Ashlyn wasn’t the only one with a broken heart.

...

Even though Ash and Ali had broken up, there was no way Ashlyn was going to miss the first game of Olympic Qualifiers. The USWNT was just as much her team as it was your ex-girlfriend’s team. She watched from the screen of her laptop as the best women’s soccer team in the world took it’s first step toward the Olympics.

“God, she’s beautiful.” Ash mumbled to herself. Ali was perfect. Even with her hair pulled up in a tight bun, while wearing a sweaty uniform...Ashlyn always thought she was stunning.

The game was a blowout. Everyone was scoring. Ashlyn was angry at Ali, but underneath it all she was still rooting for her. When she watched Ali wind up for a shot from distance, she held her breath. She was ready to cheer for the woman who broke her heart.

What started off as a held breath for the sake of excited anticipation, turned into a loss of the ability to breathe for the sake of concern. Ali had been taken down by a sloppy tackle and was writhing in pain on the screen in front of her. As a reflex, Ash reached her hand out toward the computer and tried to comfort Ali from afar.

Suddenly, Ashlyn realized that the distance between them had become too far for her heart to endure. There was no other option, but to go to Ali.

...

After Ali’s violent injury, a member of the USWNT staff accompanied her to her hometown in Virginia. Ali’s Dad set up her old room at his house and planned to take care of her until she was healthy enough to return to Germany, where she would finish her recovery.

They had an unspoken agreement not to discuss the possibility that she would miss the Olympics until a doctor confirmed it. The following week, she had an appointment with a specialist once the swelling went down enough for the results to be accurate.

Ali had been home for a couple of days when she heard her Dad announce that she had a visitor. The injured woman told him that she didn’t want to see anyone.

“I think you’re gonna want to see this person.” Ken replied.

When he had answered his front door and saw Ashlyn standing on his porch, he was shocked. He was still the same man that would do anything to protect his little girl, but after listening to what she had to say, he knew that there was no way she could have stayed away...and there was no way he would try to keep her away.

Ken stepped out of the way and revealed the blonde standing behind him. He immediately excused himself to give the women some privacy.

“What are you doing here?” Ali asked. She felt dizzy from the sight of her lost Love.

Ali anxiously covered up her injured leg, as if it was something that needed to be hidden. She felt too vulnerable in front of the one person who had the power to completely destroy, or repair her heart.

Ashlyn sighed and answered, “I’m not here to try to get back together with you. I’m not here for us.”

The woman’s answer was like a punch in the stomach for Ali. Whatever hope she had left was extinguished.

“Then why are you here?” Ali asked.

Ash paced the length of the room. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Ali watched her and stilled her breathing, wanting to make sure she didn’t miss one word of Ashlyn’s answer.

“I’m here because when I saw you get hurt, I wanted to be with you. I wish I could have ignored it, but all this time I didn’t know what to do about us. When I saw you go down, I finally felt like I knew what to do.” Ashlyn replied. She sounded annoyed when she added, “I finally knew what to do, and I couldn’t ignore it.”

Ali looked Ashlyn over before giving a reply. The blonde looked thinner than she last remembered. The light in her eyes seemed to have dimmed. Ali wanted to hold her, but knew her arms wouldn’t be welcomed.

“Ash, I’m sorry.” Ali apologized. It seemed like the most urgent thing to say. She had been wanting to take it all back for a long time. “I was wrong.”

Ashlyn stopped her pacing and met Ali’s eyes with her own. “You said you didn’t love me.” Ashlyn said with a small voice.

“I lied.” Ali replied honestly.

“Why would you do that?”

Ali closed her eyes in an attempt to hide. She answered in shame, “Because I was scared.”

“What were you afraid of?” Ash asked. Now that Ali’s eyes were closed, she felt that she could let her own guard down a little. Her heart was beginning to open.

“I was afraid that you would leave me. I was afraid that I would love you too much and that the distance would pull us apart. I was afraid that the pain would destroy me.”

“Alex, that doesn’t make any sense. You broke up with me because you thought I was going to break up with you?”

Ali opened her eyes and looked toward the door where her father had exited, before casting her gaze on Ashlyn. “Nothing hurts more than losing someone while you’re still together.”

Ashlyn didn’t understand what Ali was saying. “You weren’t losing me.”

“When my Dad left, we didn’t think we were losing him either.” Ali answered. She didn’t expect Ashlyn to understand. Her father was currently one of the most faithfully present fixtures in her life...but it wasn’t always that way.

Ali continued, “I know it may sound stupid, especially now that I’m an adult, but my parents’ split messed me up. Maybe I’m insecure. I don’t know. All I do know is that I have never loved anyone like I love you. This is new for me...and I know I keep messing it up...but I promise you there has not been one day that has passed that I haven’t wished I could take it all back.”

Ashlyn didn’t reply. She just stared at Ali. The brunette didn’t dare rush her for a response. Ashlyn was dealing with months of feeling rejected, unloved, and alone. It wouldn’t be fair to expect her to suddenly trust the person who had hurt her so deeply.

Ali watched as one tear slipped down Ashlyn’s cheek. The goalkeeper had tried so hard not to crack, but she was moments away from crumbling.

Ali held out her hand and said, “Baby, please don’t cry. Please. You still feel so far away.” She awkwardly left her hand stretched out toward Ashlyn. She waited...she begged...for Ash to take it.

She needed her to come back to her.

Ashlyn balled her fists as they hung by her sides. She closed her eyes and felt more tears well up. Her chest felt like it was about to explode.

Ali’s hand continued to hang in the air.

Ashlyn replied, “You hurt me.”

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

“No one has ever hurt me like that before.” Ashlyn added. No one, not even her family, had caused her so much pain. Because no one, but Ali, held so much of her heart.

“I’m sorry.” Ali repeated. “Please forgive me.”

Ashlyn wanted to forgive her. She really did. But she couldn’t.

“Alex, I can’t do this right now.” Ashlyn said.  
 Ali let her outstretched hand drop.

Ashlyn continued, “I told you I’m not here for us. I’m here for you. I didn’t want you to have to go through this alone. That’s all I can handle right now.” She unclenched her fists and asked, “Is that enough for you?”

There was no way Ali was going to say anything that might cause Ashlyn to leave.

She answered, “Yes.”

...

The following days together were awkward at first. Ashlyn was guarded and Ali was dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. At the heart of Ashlyn’s reason for coming, was that she knew eventually it would hit Ali that she was more than likely going to miss out on her dream of playing in the Olympics. There was a slim chance that Ali could make it back in time after surgery, but in order for that to even be a small possibility she would need a lot of support.

Ashlyn was expecting Ali to really begin to work through her disappointment after she spoke to her doctor. It would all become real after that.

Ashlyn was right.

“Go away.” Ali cried. Ashlyn tried to get her to take her pain medication, but Ali didn’t want to have anything to do with it. She felt that she somehow deserved to feel the pain.

“Alex, I’m not going anywhere. Take your medicine.” Ashlyn didn’t move until the defender followed her orders.

It took almost a week of moping before the real Ali made an appearance. Her commitment to perseverance, hard work, and excellence took over. She followed her doctor’s recovery and rehabilitation plan to the letter.

Ashlyn stayed as long as she could. The day finally came when she had to tell Ali that she couldn’t stay any longer.

“Alex, I need to tell you something.”

Things between the two had gotten much easier. The awkwardness and the hesitancy from Ashlyn had almost completely disappeared.

Ali was expecting some good news about the status of their relationship.

“I have to leave.” Ash announced.

That wasn’t the good news Ali was hoping for.

“Why? Things were getting better.” Ali replied.

Ashlyn’s heart melted. She grabbed Ali’s hand and said, “I need to go home. Grandma’s getting surgery. I wish I could stay. I don’t want to leave, but I have to.”

Ali’s focus shifted from wanting to seek her own desire of reconciliation, to wanting to be there for Ashlyn. “What happened?”

“They found more cancer.” Ashlyn answered. “She’s handling it like always.”

Ali finished Ashlyn’s thought, “She’s the strongest one out of everyone.”

“Yeah.”

Ali asked, “What can I do to help?”

Ash smiled and answered, “Take your medicine. Listen to your doctor. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Ali put her right hand up in the air and said, “I promise.”

“Alex, I need you to know that I still love you.” Ashlyn had completely changed the subject and the mood in the room, but Ali didn’t mind one bit.

Ashlyn sat down next to Ali on her bed and said, “You give me a reason to breathe again. I felt like everything stopped when you left me that day.” Ashlyn was referring to the day Ali broke up with her. “I want you in my life. I just really need you to give me time to sort all of this out.”

“I’ll give you whatever you need.”

...

It had been a month since the women had last seen each other. Ali packed her things to return to Germany. Ashlyn had promised that she would see her before she left. They only had a few more days together.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Ali said. She was able to get around better and wasn’t in as much pain anymore. Things were really starting to look up.

Ashlyn smiled and replied, “Me, too.”

“How’s your Grandma?”

Ash shrugged and answered, “I’m worried about her, but she’s convinced that she’ll bounce back.”

“She will.” Ali encouraged. She knew it was important to stay optimistic and hopeful, especially for someone who felt things as deeply as Ashlyn.

Ali didn’t want to pressure Ash, especially when there was so much on her mind, but she also didn’t want to leave without some sort of progress in their relationship. She secretly hoped that Ashlyn would bring it up without her having to ask.

It was as if Ashlyn had read her mind.

“Listen, we need to talk.” Ash said. “You’re going back to Germany. The distance will still be there.”

Ali replied, “But it’s different now, Ash.”

“I hope it is.” Ashlyn replied. “Because I can’t lose you again.”

“You will never lose me again.” Ali said. “I promise you that!”

Ashlyn took a deep breath and after letting it out she said, “I’ve been thinking...I don’t want to do the distance thing anymore. It’s obviously something that is hard for you.”

“Ash, I promise I can handle it now. I don’t want to lose you!” Ali was ready to break down in front of her. She was not above begging. Whatever she had to do to keep Ashlyn in her life, she wouldn’t hesitate to do it.

“Alex, you’re not getting it.” Ash replied. She took Ali by the shoulders and explained, “I don’t want to live apart. I can’t let you go. I don’t want to lose you either.”

Ali stared in confusion at the Love of her life and hoped that whatever was said next would be the answer to her prayers.

“I’ve been talking to a team in Germany.”

Ali couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was too shocked to say anything.

“It’s not a perfect situation, and we still have a lot of things to work out, but my goal is to be with you.”

Ali found her voice, “Are you serious?”

“Alex, I love you. There’s nothing for me in this life if I don’t have you. I don’t want to live apart anymore.”

“I love you, Ash!” Ali declared, before pulling Ashlyn into a passionate kiss.

Ashlyn held her and tried to savor as much of Ali as she could take in.

It had been too long since she had felt Ali’s loving touch.

She never wanted to live without it again.


	5. Germany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers the time that the A Team lived in Germany.
> 
> In case the title wasn't obvious enough. ;)

“She was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.”

Ali had invited some friends over and was in the middle of telling them about the day Ashlyn surprised her at her father’s house. 

Ashlyn was temporarily staying with Ali while they searched for an apartment for her near her new team in Duisburg. Ash had signed a contract and was all set up to start with the club after USWNT camp and the Olympics. They were currently trying to get her all set up for when she returned to Germany to play.

Ashlyn watched Ali’s face light up when she talked about the event that would eventually bring them back together. Midway through the story, Ali’s eyes met Ashlyn’s and the two kept eye contact throughout the rest of the story.

Later that night, after everyone had left, Ashlyn remembered how sweet Ali sounded telling the story of their love finding it’s way back to life. She wanted to share more details about it to let Ali know that she was just as enamored by their romance.

“Did I ever tell you about what I told your Dad the day that I showed up at his house?” Ash asked.

Ali answered from her spot at the kitchen sink, “No.” She thought about what Ashlyn had asked and added, “Why haven’t you?” 

The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she didn’t know much about the moments before Ashlyn had revealed herself to her that day at her Dad’s house.

“It was kind of a weird thing.” Ash answered. “I sorta told your Dad off.”

“You did what?” Ali asked. She wasn’t sure if she should be upset. She dropped the towel she was using to dry her dishes and turned toward Ashlyn. She gave her blonde girlfriend her full attention.

Ashlyn laughed and answered, “When I first got there, you’re Dad was ready to send me home. He said you didn’t want to see anyone...” Ash added in an accusing and playful tone, “...and apparently he thought that I was the one who ended things between us.” 

Ali covered her face and mumbled, “Oops...sorry.”

Ash stared at her until she confessed, “I’m sorry. It was just easier to say that you dumped me and that I didn’t know why. Otherwise, I would have had to explain something that I didn’t even understand myself.”

“Lucky for you I think you’re cute, or else!” Ash replied with a smirk. 

She pulled Ali into her lap and continued. “When I first saw your Dad, he said that you needed to be around people who would support you. He said that you needed to be surrounded by love and honesty...I guess he thought that I wasn’t honest to you about the breakup, or else you would have told him the reason.” 

Ashlyn felt Ali’s breathing still as she continued, “I told him that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to help you...that there wasn’t anyone who loved you more than I do.”

The corners of Ali’s mouth curled up into a small smile as Ash continued. 

“I told him that he could try to stop me, but I wasn’t gonna go anywhere until I saw you...I told him that I had to see you.”

Ali had to ask, “What did he say to that?”

“At first he kinda like narrowed his eyes and looked like he was gonna punch me or something.” Ashlyn said with a laugh.

 

“He did not!” Ali argued in disbelief. 

Ashlyn crossed her heart and said, “I promise he did....But I just glared right back at him. It was like a staring contest.”

“Baby, there is no way my Dad would stare you down on his front porch. And definitely no way that he would let you win and then invite you into his house.”

Ashlyn laughed at how crazy it sounded, but it was all true. “I know that he was trying to protect you by playing the tough guy. But I think at some point he realized that I really did love you...either that or he figured out that I’m crazy.”

Ali pulled her girlfriend into a hug and kissed her before saying, “He acted different towards you since that day. I think he realized that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Ashlyn picked Ali up and carried her to the bedroom. 

Story time was over.

...

“I don’t even care anymore.” Ashlyn huffed.

Ali and Ash had looked at apartments all day and had no luck finding the right place. Ashlyn was tired and Ali was tired of Ashlyn’s complaining.

“Ash, we can’t give up now. We still have a lot more places to check out.” Ali replied. 

Ali’s words did not make Ashlyn feel any better. The search was worse than the letdown of not finding a place. 

“Can we just go back to your place and take a nap?” Ashlyn asked.

Ali rolled her eyes and answered, “We have to get this done before you leave. We don’t have time to take naps.” 

“Alex, I hate this.” Ash argued.

Ali patted Ashlyn’s butt and said, “Too bad, Hot Stuff. We gotta get you a place, so we can get you some furniture, so you can move here...so I can see you every single week and be happy.”

Ashlyn smiled, thinking about being close to Ali. She hated the apartment search, but she loved the thought of always being near her girlfriend. 

Ali continued, “Baby, all I need is for you to pick out a place. I can get everything else set up for you after you leave. You can pick out furniture and decor from anywhere, but you can’t pick out an apartment unless you are physically present. Please stop complaining and let’s just get through this.”

Ashlyn grunted in Ali’s direction to express her protest one last time. The sound caught Ali by surprise, but Ashlyn’s kiss and soft voice as she mumbled an apology after, didn’t. 

“Love you.” Ali said after Ashlyn’s kiss. “Just imagine. Soon I’ll be bossing you around all the time and you won’t be able to get away from me.”

Both women shared a laugh and one more kiss before checking out three more potential apartments for Ashlyn.

...

After Ashlyn left to train with the USWNT, Ali continued her rehab and reconditioning of her knee, all the while continuing to help with the details of Ashlyn’s move. 

Both Ali and Ashlyn still had a chance at making the roster for the Olympics. Ash had injured her shoulder during training, but she would gladly put off surgery if it meant that she could play in the Olympics. 

Ali, on the other hand, was trying to prove that she was fit enough for the coaching staff to believe that she could be 100% by the time the tournament started. She flew out for a short visit and showed the coaches and trainers how far she had come in her progress, but it ended up not being enough. Ashlyn was also left off the final roster.

Both women were more disappointed for the other than they were for themselves.

Ali offered to fly back to the US to be with Ashlyn for her surgery and the first few weeks of recovery, but there was still a lot to be done to get Ashlyn’s living situation set up before she arrived in Germany. Ashlyn assured her that she would be fine and that she had plenty of people to take care of her in Ali’s absence.

Even though Ali made sure everything was ready for Ashlyn to move into her own place, Ash ended up staying with Ali for her first couple of weeks she was in Germany. Ali didn’t say it, but she was relieved that Ash chose to stay with her. She couldn’t bare to think of her girlfriend recovering alone in her new apartment and in an unfamiliar city.

Ashlyn’s medication made her more tired than usual. Ali was used to her sleeping in most mornings and drifting off from time to time throughout the day. For the most part, Ali kept quiet. She adored Ashlyn and she didn’t take for granted the time they had together. If Ashlyn needed to sleep, she would let her sleep. In a way, she felt like it was part of her duty to protect her from anything that would cause her to feel restless, or uncomfortable. She had messed things up with Ashlyn once before, and she wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

One morning when Ali knew that her girlfriend would be unconscious for a while, she left to pick up some of Ashlyn’s favorite pastries. During that time away, she had an unexpected visitor drop by her apartment. 

Her teammate...neighbor...ex-girlfriend, stopped by to ask Ali about the details of a team meeting that she had missed. When she didn’t see her at first, she called out to her and eventually made her way into Ali’s bedroom. 

Her voice startled Ashlyn at first, but what startled her even more was how comfortable she was in Ali’s bedroom.

“Hello.” Ashlyn said. 

The visitor could tell she was annoyed. 

The woman introduced herself, hoping to ease Ashlyn’s anxiety. “I’m Marie. I’m sure Ali has told you about me.” She looked toward the door, wishing that the defender would walk through it and explain. “We’re neighbors and teammates.” 

Ashlyn slightly nodded, but didn’t respond in any other way. She felt uneasy about the whole thing.

“We met a while ago. We had dinner with the whole team.” The woman continued.

Ashlyn nodded again. 

“Anyway, I was hoping to find out some team info from her. But since she’s not here, I guess I’ll go.”

The woman waved awkwardly and left Ashlyn to think about what the strange exchange meant for her relationship with Ali.

...

Ashlyn heard Ali walk in. 

The brunette was quiet. She assumed that Ash could still be asleep. Ali left the bag of delicious goodies on the kitchen counter before checking on her girlfriend. 

The blonde was awake, but she acted as if she hadn’t heard, or seen, Ali walk in. She silently sat against the headboard of the bed. Her eyes never left her folded hands in her lap.

“Hey, Love!” Ali greeted. Ashlyn leaned away from Ali when the brunette sat down next to her. “Is something wrong?”

“You had a visitor.” Ashlyn answered. Her eyes remained downward.

Ali was confused. 

“Are you upset with me?” Ali asked in concern. 

“Don’t you want to know who stopped by?” Ashlyn asked, avoiding Ali’s question.

“Who stopped by?” Ali asked. She tried to lean into her girlfriend, but Ashlyn moved farther away.

“Marie.” Ash answered. 

Ali wondered what Ashlyn knew about her ex. Did they have an in depth conversation about her? Was there some kind of argument, or tension? Did Ashlyn know everything?

“Are you mad?” Ali asked. She felt her heart rate quicken and a heat fill her face. She knew what was coming. 

Ashlyn answered Ali with her own question. “Why is she comfortable walking into your apartment?’

“We’re neighbors. We’ve played together for two years.”

Ashlyn finally turned toward Ali and looked at her eye to eye when she asked, “Why is she comfortable coming into your bedroom?”

“We’re just friends, Ashlyn. There’s no reason for you to be jealous.” 

“Is that the whole story, Alex? You’ve only ever just been friends?” Ash asked. 

Ali couldn’t lie. She had put off telling the whole truth for too long, and now it had blown up in her face. 

“We dated a year ago. I thought I loved her. She said she loved me, but that her feelings had changed over time.” Ali watched as Ashlyn heart began to close up right in front of her. “I took it hard.” Ali admitted. “But then I met you.”

“You loved her?” Ash asked. 

Ali cleared her throat nervously and answered, “I thought I did.”

“I feel like a fool.” 

“Ashlyn, I didn’t even know what love was until I met you. There’s no comparison.” Ali explained. “I promise you have nothing to be jealous about.”

Ali had never seen Ashlyn lose her temper. They had fights and arguments, but even when Ali broke up with her, Ashlyn was calm. Ali was about to see another side of her girlfriend.

“Ash, seriously. You don’t need to be upset.” Ali said. She put her hand on Ashlyn’s arm to try and convey some comfort, but it did the opposite.

Ashlyn aggressively pulled her arm away, which caused a sharp pain in her shoulder. Ali immediately noticed that she had hurt herself. 

“Ashlyn, I’m sorry. You don’t need to feel bad about this. I promise you, it’s nothing.”

“You can’t tell me how to feel!” Ashlyn replied. “I don’t think I’m being irrational. You have a close relationship with this girl that you used to sleep with, and you never once thought about mentioning it to me.”

“I didn’t want to upset you over nothing.”

“But it’s not nothing.” Ashlyn argued. “It’s not ridiculous for me to hate that you’re so close with your ex and to be angry that you didn’t tell me about her.”

Ali stood to her feet and with her hands on her hips argued, “You don’t have anything to be angry about. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Ashlyn stood up just inches away from Ali and said, “You lied to me, Alex! I’ve asked you about her before. You lied to me!” 

Ashlyn walked out of Ali’s apartment, slamming the door behind her.

Ali took a few breaths before following the path her girlfriend took. Ashlyn hadn’t gotten very far. She sat on the steps in front of the apartment. Ash looked defeated. 

Complete and utter sadness replaced the anger. 

Ali slowly made her way down the stairs and found a seat next to her girlfriend on the bottom step. She sighed before asking, “Can we take a timeout from our fight?” 

Ashlyn answered by leaning her head against Ali’s shoulder. Ali leaned into Ashlyn and said, “I’m sorry that you’re hurting. What are you thinking?”

Ashlyn replied sadly, “I’m wondering if I made the wrong choice.”

That definitely was not what Ali wanted to hear. “What do you mean?” Ali asked. “Do you regret getting back together? I promise you’re the most important person to me. I love you so much, Ash...” Ali wanted to cry.

Ash answered, “I have nothing outside of you. Like right now. I’m trying to get away from you and there’s nowhere for me to go. What happens if you end up wanting to be back with your ex? What happens then? I’ve given up everything to be with you.”

“Baby, I don’t know what else to say to prove to you that you have nothing to worry about.” Ali replied. She kissed Ashlyn’s forehead and added, “Whatever you want me to do...I’ll do it.” 

At first, Ali was confident in her opinion and actions being right. She felt she should be able to be friends with her ex-girlfriend. She knew there was nothing going on between them. She knew that her feeling for her ex, at their deepest, paled in comparison to her love for Ashlyn. Ashlyn literally had no reason to be jealous. 

Now that Ali saw how much the situation bothered Ashlyn, her objective to prove she was right didn’t seem so important anymore. 

“Ash, what do you want me to do?” 

Ashlyn felt inconsolable. She knew that Ali would do anything to make her feel better. It wasn’t about an ex-girlfriend anymore. It was about her fighting against a disease that haunted her happiness.

Ashlyn closed her eyes and tried to quiet the sadness. 

Ali held her and asked, “What’s happening right now?” She suddenly realized that there was more going on.

Ashlyn hoped she could hide this side of her for a little longer. Ash answered, “Everything hurts.”

“I’m sorry...” Ali felt horrible.

Ashlyn shook her head and with a soft, weary voice replied, “It’s not your fault. It’s me. This is me.”

Ali helped Ashlyn stand up. At first it was a polite gesture, but when Ash relied mostly on Ali’s strength to pull her up, the brunette began to understand a little more about the battle Ashlyn was fighting. 

Ash’s depression stole her strength, her energy, her motivation, her focus. 

Ashlyn felt ashamed and weak, but Ali didn’t see it that way. She wondered how the keeper could be so strong. Her battle was very real, and she had come so far through it all. 

Ali led Ashlyn to the kitchen and had her sit down at the table. She retrieved the bag of Ashlyn’s favorite pastries and offered her a bite. Ashlyn politely attempted to eat it, but after a few seconds of chewing, she held the partially chewed food in her mouth. She had no desire to finish eating it. 

Ali was learning on the fly. She didn’t know what to do. She handed Ash a napkin and said, “You don’t have to eat it.”

Ash spit it out and apologized. 

The defender had no other ideas of how to help Ashlyn through her pain. She took hold of her girlfriend's hand and they sat in an overwhelmingly sad silence for almost an hour.

...

Ashlyn didn’t ask Ali to do it, but the defender decided to talk to Marie about changing some things in their friendship. She tried her best to convince her ex that it was her idea and had nothing to do with Ashlyn. Unfortunately Marie didn’t believe her. The woman shared her thoughts with some of their teammates and it ended up getting back to Ali. 

“Sorry about all this.” Ashlyn apologized. 

Ali smiled sadly and said, “It’s not your fault.”

“It kind of is.”

“No. You had every right to feel uncomfortable. I probably explained it wrong to Marie.” Ali replied. “You’re my priority. If people are upset by that...they’re just gonna have to be upset about it.”

It had taken a few days for Ashlyn to feel like herself, but hearing Ali confirm that her feelings and well-being took precedence over everything else helped her feel more secure in their relationship.

When it came time for her to move into her apartment, it got harder for her to feel that sense of security. Ali was still living in the same building as her ex, and they were always together at team functions. Ashlyn knew it was all in her head, but there were times when it was difficult for her to move past it. 

Ali’s thoughtfulness and protective nature was a godsend for Ashlyn. There were numerous occasions when the sadness would begin to creep in, but an unexpected call or gift would remind Ash of Ali’s faithful and constant love.

Through it all Ali wondered how she ever thought she could live without Ashlyn. The blonde was constantly on her mind. 

She thought back to when she broke the goalkeepers heart, thinking that the distance between them would be too much for their love to survive. She was beginning to understand that there was no limit to what they couldn’t endure...as long as they were together.


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers a lot of time...

Ali rubbed Ashlyn’s back as the blonde leaned forward on the couch in Ali’s German apartment. 

“Baby, I really wish you didn’t get so nervous.” Ali said. “No matter what, it’s going to work out.” 

Ash suddenly stood up and excused herself to the bathroom. Ali slowly followed her, knowing the cause of the quick exit.

“Ash, I really think we’ll end up together.” Ali encouraged from the other side of the bathroom door. 

Ashlyn didn’t hear her girlfriend’s hopeful words over the sound of her nervous stomach heaving it’s contents. 

Ali stayed outside of the bathroom, knowing that Ashlyn preferred her to do so. They had been through this routine a number of times. It wasn’t a side of Ashlyn most people got to see. Ash always did her best to hide her nerves with a mask of confidence. Ali, however, didn’t require a mask. Ashlyn felt safe with her.

Ali tried to crack the door open enough for her to be heard, but Ash threw a roll of toilet paper at her and yelled, “Alex, get out!”

Ali couldn’t help but laugh. “Ash, it’s gonna be okay.”

The defender heard the sound of water and knew that her girlfriend was brushing her teeth. Ashlyn was a few seconds away from opening the door. 

As the door opened, Ali heard Ash say, “Don’t laugh at me.”

The request only made Ali laugh more. She covered her mouth to quiet her chuckle and said, “I’m sorry.” Ali embraced her girlfriend and in a much more serious manner added, “I love you. I love how much you care, but I know without a doubt that we’ll be okay.”

Ali and Ashlyn were expecting a call from their agents. They would soon find out what team they were allocated to in the NWSL. After discussing it, they both agreed on requesting to play for the Washington Spirit near Ali’s hometown. Ali was almost guaranteed to be chosen for the Spirit, due to her local connection to the team. She would be an automatic draw for people in the area. It made sense for her to be there. 

Ashlyn, on the other hand, had a connection with the New York Flash. She had played for the team when it was a part of the WPS. She was a fan favorite. It would make more sense for the league to place her there over Washington. Ashlyn couldn’t shake the fear of losing Ali. 

Distance had driven them apart once before. 

She moved to Germany to keep it from happening again, only to find out that less than a year later they would face the possibility of separation all over again.

“Ash, I really wish you wouldn’t worry so much. Even if you do end up in Buffalo, it’s not that far away. We can make it work.” Ali promised.

Ashlyn didn’t want to admit that she was afraid of what would happen to their relationship if they got separated, but Ali knew her too well for her to hide it.

“Can we talk about something else?” Ash asked. She dropped her head and fell forward until it met Ali’s chest.

Ali thought her girlfriend was absolutely adorable. She playfully covered both sides of Ash’s face with kisses. She didn’t stop until she heard the blonde laugh. 

“You’re getting your spit all over me.” Ash exclaimed. She pushed her girlfriend away and smiled. “You’re too much.”

“I’m just trying to cheer you up.”

“I know.” Ash replied. “I love what we have. It’s turned into something really special.” Ashlyn sighed, “I’m scared.”

...

Ali was the first to find out where she was allocated. As expected, she was assigned to the Washington Spirit. She was excited to return home, but her happiness was tempered by the uncertainty of Ashlyn’s future. It went through the roof when Ashlyn received her call. 

...

“I constantly feel like we’re being watched.” Ali whispered. She was grocery shopping with Ashlyn and felt as if everyones’ eyes were on her.

Ash handed her girlfriend the watermelon that she had sent her to find and said, “Babe, you’re a hometown hero around here. We’re not in Europe anymore. People recognize you.”

Ali quietly replied, “I know. And I’m glad that we’re here. I just hate feeling like I’m always being watched. And don’t you feel like it adds extra pressure to you and our relationship?”

“Alex, I don’t care what people think, or say. It doesn’t matter to me...so it doesn’t add any pressure.” 

Ali felt a little guilty after hearing the blonde’s response. “Is it wrong that I feel this way?” Ali asked. 

Before she could answer, Ashlyn had a question of her own. “Are you ashamed of us?”

“Of course not!” Ali answered emphatically.

“You sure about that?”

Ali slipped her hand around Ashlyn’s waist and pulled her into a loose embrace. “I’m nothing but proud of us. If anything, I feel better about all this, because you’re here.”

Ali lightly kissed Ashlyn’s cheek before adding, “I feel safe with you. We’re in this together.”

Ali’s favorite dimpled smile found it’s way to Ashlyn’s face when she nodded toward the girl who had been following them and said, “She’s like twelve. I think I can take her. Want me to get rid of her?”

Ali playfully smacked her in the stomach and answered, “It’s very brave of you to offer, but I think the best way to handle it is to try to act natural.”

Ash gave her girlfriend an exaggerated wink and said, “Good thinking, Good Looking.”

Both women ended up giving the excited fan-stalker an autograph, picture, and a hug before returning to their apartment with their groceries.

...

“Why did you have to say anything at all, Ashlyn?” Ali asked. She was upset that her girlfriend engaged with an internet troll on social media. “I thought we agreed that we would ignore these kind of things.”

The couple had been living together, playing soccer together, and loving life together for their first season in the NWSL. The season was almost over and they had found a comfortable domestic and professional routine. Everything was perfect, except for some of the more intrusive fans. 

It was a classic catch-22. As their popularity grew, the attendance to their games also grew. It was good for the league. The women’s pro league was something that the couple knew needed their full support for it to survive. All the national team players were committed to it for the sake of the future women who would follow in their footsteps. Ali and Ashlyn took their responsibility very seriously.

However, the more well-known the couple became, the more nosy some of their fans became. For the most part, the women didn’t care. They were happy together and they weren’t ashamed of their relationship, but sometimes a comment, or fan would go too far. 

This was one of those times.

Ashlyn wasn’t going to debate the merits of acknowledging peoples’ intrusive comments. Someone had said something inappropriate about Ali. The goalkeeper felt she had no choice but to stick up for her girlfriend.

“Alex, I’m not going to apologize for what I did...So if you’re fishing for an apology don’t waste your time.” Ashlyn replied.

“Ashlyn, we said we wouldn’t let people intrude in our personal life. You aren’t making things better by telling immature people off.” Ali explained. 

Ash shook her head and held up her hand to signal that she wasn’t listening and needed Ali to stop talking. “I’m not going to apologize.”

Ali ended up rolling her eyes and flipping Ashlyn off before leaving the room.

The women avoided each other for the rest of the night. Ashlyn felt justified in her actions and Ali felt that the situation would have been a non-issue if her girlfriend would have ignored it. Both women were probably right. 

Ashlyn checked her watch and saw that it was getting late. She searched the small apartment for her girlfriend and found her right were she expected her to be. 

“FTO?” Ash asked. FTO was their way of saying ‘Fight Time-Out.’ They had used the phrase several times in their relationship. It was a term they used when they were upset with each other, but not upset enough to keep them from checking up on the other. 

Ali nodded and turned into the blonde’s arms. Ashlyn sighed as she held onto her girlfriend. “I’m not sorry for what I said, but I am sorry that you’re upset.”

Ali pressed her face into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and said, “I read what they wrote.”

“I thought you said you didn’t care about what they wrote.” Ash replied. 

“They were really mean.” Ali added with a small, sad voice.

Ashlyn kissed Ali’s forehead and said, “The guy is an idiot. He created his profile just so he could talk trash to people. Total loser.”

“You really let him have it.” Ali replied.

Ashlyn held Ali in her strong arms and said, “I couldn’t let him talk about you like that.”

“I’m sorry.” Ali apologized. “I don’t like that you wasted your breath on that guy, but I appreciate you feeling like you had to.”

Ashlyn poked Ali’s sides and joked, “Well, if it makes you feel any better I typed it...”

Ash felt Ali stiffen and then saw her raise her head to make eye contact. Ali made a confused face leading Ashlyn to further explain.

“I didn’t say it...so I didn’t waste my breath...because I typed it.”

Ali let her head drop back down to rest against Ashlyn’s shoulder. She mumbled into Ash’s neck, “You’re a nerd.”

...

“Sveeeden is beautiful this time of year.” Ashlyn said. She had come up with every sentence she could think of where she could say the word Sweden, by emphasizing the ‘v’ sound for the ‘w’ every time she said it.

Ali looped her arm with her girlfriend’s and laughed even though the joke was old. The goalkeeper had been telling it in some form since they moved during the NWSL off-season. The women were enjoying a more private lifestyle in a league and country that focused a lot less on them and their relationship. It was also the best chance for the two of them to get world class experience on the pitch leading into the World Cup. This was especially important for Ashlyn’s sake. It gave the USWNT coaching staff a good look at her skills on a high level. 

“This is a good place.” Ali said, interrupting Ashlyn’s tired attempt at a joke.

Ash spread out the blanket they had brought with them and Ali set out the food and wine from the picnic basket she had carried. The two stretched out on the blanket and held hands as they talked about everything and nothing at the same time. The couple enjoyed one another’s company under the clear, blue sky until the wine ran dry. 

Ali finished off the bottle and signaled to Ash that it was time to go.

“You and your wine.” Ash joked. She kissed the brunette and tasted the last sip of the sweet red drink before helping Ali stand to her feet. 

Ali demanded another kiss before she took a step. Ashlyn decided to make it something of a more passionate nature than Ali might have been expecting. She pulled her into her so that there was no space between them. 

With a pressure building, she paused to look deeply into Ali’s eyes. Brown mixed with golden flecks of light, almost hypnotizing to the blonde. 

Oh, how she loved Ali’s brown eyes.

Ali waited. Her mouth longed for Ashlyn’s lips, but the blonde made her wait.

Ashlyn started at Ali’s neck. The aroma of Ali’s perfume mixed with the smell of a perfect, crisp fall day. Ash smirked against the defender’s skin when she heard Ali moan softly. 

Ashlyn had Ali right where she wanted her.

The goalkeeper pushed aside Ali’s brunette hair and made her way further up her neck. Ali threw her head back to allow the blonde more access. 

One word.

One word is all it took for Ash to abandon her spot and find Ali’s lips. 

“Baby.” Ali begged.

Ashlyn allowed her girlfriend to finally feel her soft lips on her mouth. Her fingers found their way to Ali’s head. They swam in her hair and pulled her closer at the rhythm of their kiss. 

Ali pushed Ash away slighty and sighed. She dropped her head forward until it met Ashlyn’s shoulder. She mumbled into Ash’s neck, “I need to catch my breath.”

Ash gave the woman a few quick pecks on the top of her head while the brunette allowed her heart rate to steady and her breaths to even out.

“That was...” Ali began to say, but was at a loss for words. She grabbed Ashlyn’s face with both hands and brought her in for a passionate kiss. It was short, but it was heartfelt. “You haven’t kissed me like that in a long time.” Ali added.

“I haven’t?” Ash asked. She certainly wasn’t holding back due to a lack of desire.

Ali shook her head and said, “Not since we were home.” 

Ali watched as Ashlyn’s brain left her and tried to remember the last time they had been intimate together. She shook her head in disbelief, but Ali was right.

“Believe me it’s not because I haven’t wanted to.” Ash finally replied.

Ali smiled and said, “I know. It’s because now we have roommates.”

 

Ali and Ash were sharing a fairytale living situation with a few other people. Usually a princess, as Ashlyn liked to call Ali, would love to finally have her castle...but in this situation the princess had to share with other people. 

Ali continued, “I miss home.” 

It was ironic, really. The couple finally lived in a place where no one cared what they did. The fans loved them as athletes and they had all the privacy in the world. But it was when the got back to the castle that they felt they didn’t have the privacy they really wanted. 

At the sound of Ashlyn’s gently mocking laugh, Ali explained. “Think about it. We might have to be careful about how affectionate we are in public, but when we’re home we can be as romantic and close as we want. It’s our safe place. Here....” Ali sighed in disappointment before she finished her last thought. “...we have to plan around our roommates’ schedules. I want to be able to do what I want with you, whenever I want to do it. I hate having to schedule sex in small increments of time where we know that no one will hear us.”

Ali’s frustration was shared by Ashlyn, but she didn’t fail to catch the humor of the situation.

“At home, you felt like we didn’t have enough privacy. Now in a country where nobody cares who we are, or who we’re sleeping with, you want to go home.” Ashlyn said with a laugh.

“But that’s the problem!” Ali replied. She playfully pushed Ashlyn and said, “At the moment, I’m not sleeping with anyone.”

Ashlyn couldn’t hold it in. Her laughter at her girlfriend’s frustrated pain was uncontrollable. She felt the same way. The longing made them both realize how much they loved and needed one another. 

They learned that their little home, with all of it’s imperfections, was absolutely perfect.


	7. Protect

“Love you.” Ali whispered. She bent down and kissed her sleeping girlfriend’s forehead before leaving. 

Ali and Ash had plans with a few friends, but Ashlyn woke up feeling a little sick. As the day progressed she felt worse. It didn’t help that she was having what she called a “low week.” It was sometimes hard for her to explain to Ali what she was feeling during these times, but the defender learned that it meant that she felt depressed and that it was something that was out of their control. 

Ali was good about listening when Ashlyn wanted to talk, and validating her girlfriend's feelings. She didn’t try to make her feel like she should feel bad about feeling bad. When Ash started to get the symptoms of a cold, Ali knew that there was no use in trying to get her to work up the energy to hang out with their friends. She knew that Ash would try if she asked her, but it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to pretend like she was feeling happy. 

Ali offered to stay home with her, but Ashlyn insisted that she go. She said it would only make her feel worse if Ali missed out on a fun night because of her. 

“Besides...” Ashlyn told her, “I’m probably just going to sleep the whole time, anyway.”

Ali ended up having a fun time, but she constantly checked her phone for messages from Ashlyn. 

“Are you gonna stop looking at your phone anytime soon?” Ali’s friend asked. She was serious, but said it in a joking and fun manner. 

“Ash isn’t feeling well. I’m just worried, I guess.” Ali answered. 

“She used to live on her own, right? Like...away from you?”

Ali knew what her friend was trying to say. She stopped her before she could go any further.

“I know. She’s a big girl and can take care of herself. But...” Ali sighed. She knew what she was about to say was terribly cheesy, but it was the truth. “She’s my girl and I love taking care of her.”

After some friendly teasing from her friends, Ali left early to return home to Ashlyn. The blonde was up and moving. Ali was happy to see that Ash was in the shower. She wasn’t looking for anything romantic, she just knew that Ashlyn hadn’t been motivated to do much of anything in the past week. A shower was a step in the right direction.

Ali waited in their room until she heard the shower water turn off. She smiled, thinking about finally getting to see Ashlyn. As silly as it might sound, she missed her girlfriend while she was gone. Ali was about to call out to her when she heard Ashlyn start coughing. She sounded terrible. 

Ali knocked on the bathroom door before letting herself in. “Baby, are you ok?” She asked with concern.

Ashlyn was bent over the sink, trying to catch her breath. 

It wasn’t until Ali started to rub Ash’s back, that the sick woman knew her girlfriend had come home. 

Ashlyn was out of breath. Ali helped her sit down and asked again, “Are you ok, Ash?” 

Ashlyn let her head slowly fall forward until it rested again Ali’s chest. Ali loved having her close, but knew the angle probably wasn’t helping her catch her breath.

 

She gently helped her sit up and said, “It will help you breathe better.”

Ali grabbed a towel from where it hung on the door and covered Ashlyn up. She was shivering. 

“I should have never left you.” Ali lamented. “I didn’t know you were so sick.”

Ashlyn through shivering teeth answered, “I wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, you certainly surprised me.” Ali said with a sad smile. 

Ashlyn clarified what she meant, “I wanted to surprise you with the girls.”

Ali considered what Ash had said. At first, she didn’t think it meant what it had to mean. Ashlyn was too sick and depressed to even think about leaving the house. Her eyes wandered to the empty shower and then back to her sick girlfriend. 

“You were trying to get ready for a night out.” Ali said, once her brain caught up with the proof around her. “Baby, you didn’t need to do that. You wore yourself out.”

Ali helped Ashlyn stand to her feet and then helped her get dressed. Ashlyn shared, “I felt bad about missing tonight. I know you were looking forward to it...and I guess, I kinda was starting to miss you.”

Ali offered a thoughtful smile when she said, “I came home because I missed you.”

“How did we ever live apart?” Ashlyn asked with a raspy, tired voice.

Ali smiled and answered, “I don’t know. How about we never do that again.”

...

By the end of their second season in the NWSL, they had established a comfortable and happy life together. It was at a national team camp when the two of them realized just how happy they were. 

“Wanna hear something weird?” Ash asked. 

The couple had met for coffee before a morning meeting with the rest of the team. The couple sat across from each other. Both women were tired, and could have used another hour of sleep, but they would rather spend the time with one another. Ashlyn stretched her legs out underneath the table and propped her feet up on the empty chair next to her girlfriend. Ali let her hand slip under the table and rested it on Ashlyn’s shin. 

Ali answered Ash with a soft and sleepy smile. “I would love to hear something weird.”

Ashlyn yawned into her coffee and said, “I was talking to Whit yesterday and you know what she said?”

Ali smiled again and patiently answered, “No idea, Ash. What did she say?”

“She said her and HAO noticed something.” Ashlyn answered. “I guess they were talking about me.” Ashlyn added a joke, “Everyone’s always talking about me. I can’t help it that everyone loves me.”

Ali nodded along. Ash may have been joking, but Ali thought that everyone should love Ash. How could they not?”

“Anyway...” Ash continued. “They said I seemed really happy. Whit asked when the last time was that I had a low day.”

Ali’s face scrunched up in thought as she tried to think of the last time Ashlyn’s depression had made an appearance. It had been a while.

Ash added, “I had to really think about it. I think the last time I really had a long time when I felt bad was back at the beginning of last season. When you went out with the girls and I stayed home sick. Other than that, it’s only been like a few times in the last year...and all of those times have lasted for like just a day...nothing major.”

Ali nodded in agreement and said, “You’re right. I guess we didn’t notice because things are just normal these days.”

Ash smiled and asked, “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“What?” 

“Happiness is our normal.”

...

“Everything is starting to fall into place.” Ali said. 

She and Ashlyn were visiting her dad and some of the other Krieger family members for an afternoon BBQ. Several of Ali’s extended family were in town and with her busy schedule it was rare for them to get to spend time with her. Ali’s father used the opportunity to host a get together in her honor. 

Ali had asked her Dad to take a walk with her while Ashlyn stayed behind to play with the little ones. He asked her about how things were going and she couldn’t help but smile when she answered. 

“Everything is starting to fall into place. We’re confident about the World Cup and we love our jobs. Life is so good right now.” Ali said. 

Ken laughed and said, “I asked how your life was going, not about Ash.” 

Ali shook her head and smiled, “If you haven’t figured it out by now, Dad, that crazy blonde IS my life.”

“Touché.” Ken replied. “Is that crazy blonde going to be asking any important questions soon?” Ali’s happiness and confession about Ashlyn’s importance to her, confirmed what Ken had been expecting. 

“You think I should wait for her to do it?” Ali asked. She genuinely wanted to know what he thought. 

Ken shrugged and answered, “I never saw you as the proposing type. I always imagined someone nervously asking me for my blessing to marry you. You’re my little girl. That’s how it works for us dads.”

“What if Ash did ask you? For your blessing, I mean. What if she did ask?”

Ali’s Dad answered by asking, “What would you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. I guess I would want you to say that you were happy for us.” Ali answered She thought about it and added, “I would want you to believe that we could make it. I would want you to know that Ash makes me happy and that she’ll never give up on me.”

Ken realized that his daughter was comparing her relationship with Ashlyn to his relationship with his ex-wife. 

“Alex, I don’t know what to tell you.” He replied.

Ali picked up on how uncomfortable he had suddenly become. “I want you to tell me that you believe our love will last.”

“Of course.” Ken replied, without hesitation. 

Ali didn’t believe him.

“Dad, Ashlyn is different.”

“Different from me?” Ken asked. The division between the two of them that was caused the day that he left his wife, was starting to feel like it was making a return. 

“Daddy, I didn’t mean that. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just want you to believe in what Ash and I have. I want you to know that she’s not going to leave. What we have is real.”

Ali’s Dad was taken back by his daughter's words. He had no idea that something that happened so long ago would still be on Ali’s mind. To him it shouldn’t have been an issue. He had done everything he could to make it up to her and to repair their relationship over the years. He wished she would forget and move on.

“Honey, I don’t know what to tell you. What your Mom and I had was also real. Things change...people change. I believe that you and Ashlyn have just as much a chance at lifelong happiness and love as anyone else. I don’t know why you’re bringing your Mom and I up. It was over a long time ago. I think it’s best to leave it in the past.”

“But it wasn’t over a long time ago.” Ali argued. “Maybe it was for you, but not for me.”

“Alex, I still don’t understand.”

Ali really wasn’t planning to talk about this, but she felt it was best for her to face it. “Dad, I’m still learning about myself. I’m still finding out things that I didn’t know were true about me. One thing I found out when Ash and I first started dating was that I fear that love will one day disappear, and that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them stay.”

Ken felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He thought he had fixed things with his daughter. Maybe he was wrong.

Ali continued, “And that’s true.” 

"Alex...” Ken interrupted. He hated to hear that his daughter didn’t believe in love. At least that’s what her words seemed to reveal. 

Ali raised her hand to signal that she wasn’t finished. She said, “I can’t make Ashlyn stay. But I know she won’t leave.”

Ali’s Dad asked, with tears in his eyes, worried that his little girl would one day be hurt by love, “How do you know?”

“I just know.” Ali answered. “Besides, I would be a fool to let my insecurities and fear keep me from the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.” Ali’s eyes were starting to tear up, but for a very different reason than her father’s tears.

“Ali, I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry that I ever hurt you. I wish we could move past this.” Ken replied.

Ali huffed, “I want you to believe in my future with Ashlyn.”

“I am hopeful for you two. I don’t know what else to say. Do you want me to lie? It’s not about Ashlyn. It’s that I know that I used to think that love could last forever...and I know for some people it does, but that’s not what always happens. I want to protect you. I’m not trying to discourage you, or assume the worst about either you or Ashlyn. I’m sorry.” Ken apologized.

His words weren’t enough. For whatever reason, Ali felt that he needed to believe as strongly as she did that her love would last.

The 10 minutes that it took for them to get back to Ken’s house was spent in awkward silence between them.

Ali was the first to walk through the front door. Ashlyn was sprawled out on the floor with a cute toddler crawling over her. She had been playing with the little girl for most of the time that they’d been there. The two year old started to cry when Ash stood up to check on her girlfriend. It took Ash a few minutes to convince the young girl that she would be back and that they would play together soon.

Ash followed the path that she saw her girlfriend take. It led to a small bathroom in the back of the house. Ali was hopeful that no one would interrupt her. When she heard Ashlyn’s knock on the door, she sniffed back a new rush of tears. Ash waited for her to take her time to open the door. 

When the defender saw that it was her girlfriend, she was relieved. She pulled her into the small room and closed the door. 

“I’m glad it’s you.” Ali said after the two shared a hug. 

Ashlyn gathered her back into an embrace and continued to hold her. “What happened?” 

Ali shook her head and pressed it harder into Ashlyn’s neck. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ash didn’t like that answer, but she wasn’t going to push her. Ali was upset and needed comfort. If she didn’t want to talk, then Ashlyn wasn’t going to force her to do something she didn’t want to do.

However, as often times happened when Ali said she didn’t want to talk about something, she started to talk about it.

“I think I owe my Dad an apology.” She confessed.

Ashlyn had learned not to be too quick to speak in moments like this. Usually, Ali had more to say. 

She was right.

“I don’t know why I’m so mad at him.” 

Ashlyn felt her girlfriend start to tremble in her arms. 

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Ali continued. “I’m scared.”

Ashlyn had to interrupt. “Alex, why are you scared?”

Ali asked, “Honestly? You really want to know?”

Ashlyn nodded and wiped away the tears from Ali’s cheeks.

Ali answered, “I’m afraid that I’m going to let you down.”

“Let ME down?” Ashlyn asked. She didn’t see any of this coming. “I thought this was about your Dad.”

“It is.” Ali admitted. “It’s about how he could walk away from the woman he loved. I know he didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I know that he loved us. He loved my Mom.” Ali pushed Ashlyn away and took a step back. It was an unplanned movement, but unintentionally revealed to Ashlyn what Ali was thinking. 

“You’re worried you’re going to do the same thing to me?” Ash asked, already knowing the answer.

Ali’s teary gaze met Ashlyn’s gentle eyes when she answered, “My parents were so happy. And then something happened. What if it happens to us? What if I change? I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Ali had made a case to her Dad about Ashlyn not leaving her, but what she really worried about was that she might follow in her father’s footsteps and leave her first love behind.

Ashlyn scratched her head and answered Ali, “The only way to know for sure that nothing bad will happen, is if we give up now. No risk, no problems. Is that what you want?”

“You know that’s not what I want.” Ali answered emphatically.

“Then the only choice we have is to believe that we’ll make it...and to choose every day to stay together.” 

Ali replied with a frustrated sigh, “Sounds so simple.”

Ashlyn vowed with all that she had in her, “I promise you, Alex. I will always stay.”

“I’ll stay.” Ali repeated. She put her arms around Ashlyn’s waist and said, “Baby, I’ll stay.”

Ashlyn took Ali’s face in both of her hands and added, “And if we ever start to drift apart, I’ll always come back to you.”

Ali nodded in agreement. She couldn’t speak. Instead she broke down in her girlfriend’s arms, feeling as though her insecurities finally found a safe place to call home.

...

Ashlyn’s feet felt too heavy. She couldn’t get to Ali fast enough. The trainer had told her that the defender was fine. She was safe and sound at the hospital and had regained her memory. Ali had lost consciousness for a few moments on the pitch in Houston during a game against the Dash. She was still feeling out of it, but she at least knew who she was and where she was.

Ash hated that she couldn’t leave with her girlfriend when the ambulance took her to the hospital. She had never been so scared in her life. 

When Ashlyn finally found Ali’s room, her girlfriend was awake and talking to the trainer that escorted her to the hospital. The man stood from his chair next to Ali’s bed and without a word, left the room to give the couple some privacy.

Ash took Ali’s hand in her’s and asked, “How are you feeling?” 

Ali answered softly, “I feel strange. It’s so weird. I don’t remember most of what happened before I got here.”

Even in Ali’s state she was able to clearly see that her girlfriend was on the brink of tears. Ali gave Ashlyn’s hand an encouraging squeeze and said, “I’m glad you’re here. I feel better already.”

Ashlyn kissed Ali’s hand before resting her head in Ali’s lap. Ali heard Ash’s muffled voice say, “I hated being away from you. I was so scared you weren’t going to be okay.”

Ali used her free hand to lovingly caress Ashlyn’s hair. “Doctor said I’m gonna be fine. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“I couldn’t bare the thought of losing you.” Ash added. 

“I’m sorry.” Ali apologized again. Her brain couldn’t come up with anything else to say. 

She was exhausted and confused, but one thing she knew for certain...

Ashlyn meant everything to her, and there was nothing she wouldn’t do to protect her.


	8. Whole Life

Ali was doing her best to eavesdrop on her girlfriend’s conversation. Ashlyn knew that her favorite brunette was listening in on her side of the phone call. She didn’t mind, but she wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to mess with her beautiful girlfriend.

“What was that about?” Ali asked. She wasn’t going to even try to appear like she wasn’t listening in.

“What was what about?” Ash asked, playing dumb for the sake of driving her girlfriend crazy.

Ali huffed and answered, “You know what I’m talking about.”

Ashlyn pulled Ali in by the waist and playfully kissed her neck. Ali would have loved it if she wasn’t waiting to hear the details of Ashlyn’s phone conversation.

“Ash, come on.” Ali whined, trying to move her neck away from the reach of Ashlyn’s lips.

Ash laughed and pushed Ali away from her. If her girlfriend didn’t appreciate her kisses, then she would make her pay for it. She started to walk away from her girlfriend. 

Ali tried to pull Ashlyn back into her, but the blonde resisted. “Don’t be mean to me.” Ali pouted. 

Ashlyn would have continued her teasing, but she always had a soft spot for her favorite person. 

Ashlyn let Ali pull her close before saying, “I guess there’s a rumor going around that Orlando is wanting to start a women’s team in the NWSL. Now that Serv is there, they think they can get Alex to sign.” Ashlyn bashfully added, “And I guess they are really wanting me to play for them, too.”

Ashlyn felt Ali stiffen in her arms. 

“What are you thinking?” Ash asked. 

Ali didn’t want to say something she might regret. She purposely held back. “I don’t know.” Ali said. “That’s a lot to think about.”

“Babe, it’s two years away. We don’t need to stress about it now.” Ash replied. “And I don’t think I would want to go there, anyway.”

Ali was glad to hear Ashlyn say that she would rather stay with her, but she didn’t believe that it was completely true. 

...

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Alex asked. Ash and Ali had used their bye week to visit Orlando and see their USWNT teammate. “Serv loves living here.”

Ali kept her mouth shut. She wanted to tell Alex to shut up. Ashlyn didn’t need any encouragement to leave her.

“I bet.” Ash replied. “I love how close you are to the water.”

Alex nodded and added, “We have some houses that are up for sale nearby. You two could always move in and then we’d be neighbors.”

Ashlyn laughed, thinking it was a joke. She gave her girlfriend a wink to try and get her to loosen up. 

Before Ali could relax, Alex continued, “Don’t laugh. You know they are starting to think that they can start a team next season, right?”

Ali had to ask, “What? I thought they said it would take two years.”

Alex explained, “They’ve been talking back and forth with Portland. It’s not definite yet, but it’s a lot closer to happening than not happening. If the right deal can be made, and the NWSL approves, then it’s gonna happen next season.”

“Really?” Ali asked. “What does that mean for you?” Ali asked Ashlyn. She followed up with another question, sounding almost angry. “Did you know about this?”

Alex picked up on the tension and made up an excuse about refilling their drinks. 

After Alex left, Ashlyn answered, “I had no idea.” She saw that her girlfriend was angry with her and asked, “Are you mad?”

Ali sighed in frustration. Ashlyn hadn’t done anything to deserve her anger, but she couldn’t deny that she was upset.

“How could we go from something maybe happening in two years to it probably happening next year?” Ali asked in frustration. 

Ashlyn could see her girlfriend’s heart breaking in front of her. “Alex, I never said I would do it.”

“Are you going to have a choice?” Ali asked. “What if it’s like Houston and it’s a draft? They’ll take you from me whether either of us wants it, or not.”

Ash felt guilty, even though it was completely out of her control. 

...

“Happy birthday, Baby.” Ashlyn mumbled as their lips touched. 

Ali broke the kiss and asked, “Where’s my present?” She stuck her hand out, ready to receive her gift.

Ash had just woken Ali up with breakfast in bed. Ali had actually been awake for a while, but knew that Ashlyn wanted to ‘surprise’ her with her favorite morning foods. She purposely stayed in bed, and pretended to sleep, long enough for Ashlyn’s plan to be a success.

After setting the tray of breakfast down, Ashlyn shook her head and handed Ali a small box. 

“Is this what I think it is?” Ali asked. She shook the box and smiled.

Ashlyn didn’t answer. She waited for her to open it.

Ali opened the box and revealed a pair of diamond earrings.

“Baby, I love them!” Ali exclaimed. She kissed Ashlyn and immediately admired the gift. She knew how much Ashlyn had spent on them because she had admired them months ago. Ashlyn had paid attention. 

Ali wore the earrings to dinner and flirted with Ashlyn all night. When the women returned home, Ashlyn had one more surprise. 

“So...” Ash said sweetly. “I know this might not be the most romantic setting...”

Ali cut her off and asked, “What could be more romantic than the two of us naked in our bed?” Ali laughed. The women had ended Ali’s birthday festivities with a passionate session of love making. 

Ali couldn’t be happier...until she heard what Ashlyn had to say next.

“I wanted to show you that for me this is my happy place.” Ash added, “You...Home.” 

Ali smiled, still clueless of what Ash was intending for the moment.

Ash continued, “I’ve been thinking for a long time about what I would say, and where we would be. I thought that it should be a time and a place that was important to both of us. Somewhere that would mean so much more to us than just a location.” 

The blonde stretched towards her night stand and opened a small drawer. She pulled out a box that matched the one she had given Ali earlier that day. 

When Ash moved to get the gift, the sheet that covered her had fallen and exposed her naked skin. Ali was drunk with love and lust all wrapped in one. 

Ashlyn, still uncovered, said, “Baby, I can’t really say it perfectly.” She felt the need to apologize before she really even got started. 

Because no matter what she said.

No matter where she said it.

No matter how many times she had rehearsed it.

No matter how perfect.

It would never be perfect enough...not for Ali.

Ashlyn took a deep breath...and proposed.

“Alex, you’re my life. That’s what you’ve become. My whole life.”

Ali saw goosebumps rise on her girlfriend's skin.

Ashlyn continued, “Celebrating your date of birth, is celebrating the day my life found a home. It’s with you. Here...” Ashlyn paused and a tear found it’s way down her cheek as she thought about all that Ali meant to her. “Here with you, is where my world begins and ends. I had never known of what real love was until I met you. Your life gives my life hope.” Again she said, “You are my whole life.”

Ali gently wiped Ashlyn’s cheek dry. She wanted to tell Ashlyn that she felt the same way about her. But she waited, anticipating what was coming. 

“Alex...” Ashlyn finally held out the little black box she had been holding. With skin uncovered and her heart completely vulnerable, she opened the box, revealing a diamond ring, and said, “Will you marry me and be my whole life forever?”

Earlier, Ali had been all about getting her birthday present and taking the small box from Ashlyn, but in that moment she only had eyes for the woman she loved.

“Yes.” Ali said. It was quiet and soft. She couldn’t speak any louder. Ashlyn’s proposal had taken her breath away. 

The women shared a tearful embrace. Several moments passed with not even a kiss. They breathed in one another’s presence and let themselves be totally given to the moment. 

After a few minutes had passed, Ashlyn removed the ring from the box and placed it on Ali’s finger. She explained. “It’s like the one you said you liked.” 

Ali had picked out a ring the same time she had told Ashlyn about the diamond earrings she wanted. She had said it with no expectation of Ash getting it for her. She just made a comment about loving the style. At the time, Ashlyn had already been planning the proposal. Ali had made her plan a lot easier. She didn’t have to guess about what kind of ring she would like. However, Ash did make one change. She upgraded the size of the diamond. 

She didn’t think Ali would mind.

...

The World Cup came and went. Ash and Ali were champions. Orlando had reached out to Ashlyn and told her that she would be their first real pick in the expansion draft. They told her that they not only wanted her to be on the team, but they wanted to build a team around her and Alex. It took some getting used to, but Ali was beginning to see that her fiancé deserved to finally be treated like the superstar that she was.  
 Ali could finally say that she was happy for Ashlyn. It took time, and she didn’t like the distance, but Ash had been overlooked and under appreciated long enough. From what they had been told, Ashlyn was viewed as an important piece of not only the Orlando team, but women’s soccer in the US. 

There was little to be seen as a negative of the whole scenario, other than the distance. Distance was the one thing that had always scared Ali, but she felt that things were different this time around.

...

The women had found a house near Alex and Servando. It was a big joke at first, but Ali was the one who insisted that they find a place near their friends. Ashlyn was capable of taking care of herself, but Ali hated thinking about Ashlyn being alone. She dreaded the day when she would hear that her fiancé was struggling while she was too far away to do anything about it. 

While they were still living in the DC area, Ali waited for her girlfriend to leave their apartment to call Ashlyn’s soon-to-be neighbor, Alex. 

“Listen, I need to know that I can count on you to take care of her.” Ali said. Her tone was stern and serious.

Alex rolled her eyes and promised, “I know, Al. Ash will be fine.” She laughed before she added, “By the way, hello to you too.”

“I’m serious, Alex. She’s more sensitive than you think.”

Alex held back a laugh and replied, “Everyone knows Ash is sensitive. She’s open about it. I promise you, I will be there for both of you.”

“I know you will.” Ali replied. “It’s just...” She paused. She wondered if she should be so open about her fiancé’s personal life. “She can really struggle sometimes. She’s not going to want anyone to know.” Ali wanted to cry just thinking about it. “I don’t want her to suffer alone.” 

“I promise, Ali. I will watch out for her.”

Ali explained more of her concerns. “Ash is really outgoing and charming, but if she doesn’t take care of herself and make time to recharge, then it can really wear her out. Sometimes I think her emotional exhaustion can bring on physical illness. I just want her to be okay. I know she won’t say anything and she’ll just keep going until she cant go anymore.” 

Ali started thinking about all the potential problems that could happen. It made her hate the thought of Ash moving away from her even more.

“Al, I know you’re worried. But with the Olympics and national team training, you two will hardly be apart.” Alex replied, trying to get Ali to settle down.

“Being with her with everyone else around is different from having a home with her.” Ali replied sadly. 

She was reminded of Ashlyn’s words when she proposed and realized that their perfect life was about to change. It wasn’t that she was worried about drifting apart. She was confident that they would one day be married and have a family together. The thing that she feared was having to live in their apartment alone. She dreaded the emptiness that Ashlyn’s absence would create in her everyday life. 

As she considered Ashlyn’s words, she realized that she was afraid about her own loneliness as much as her fiancé's. 

How could she possibly live without Ashlyn?


	9. Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the process of writing this chapter, a couple of major things happened. I changed the original content I was going to write to include these events, because I feel they are important and stay in line with what I had originally planned the chapter to be about.
> 
> Also, no matter who you are, who you love, what you believe...we are all the same. I encourage you to do what you can to spread peace and kindness. There is way too much hate going around these days.

Ashlyn tried to wipe the sweat from her face without dropping the end of the couch she held up. Ali had asked her to move it two different times. 

At first the defender was certain it would look better in the corner by the window. Then she realized that her fiancé might prefer to have a reclining chair there where she could comfortably look out the window, drink her coffee, and find inspiration to write and draw in her journal. 

The second spot was at an angle that revealed a small glare on the television screen. Ali knew it would eventually drive Ashlyn crazy.

Both times Ali explained her reasoning for the locations, Ashlyn laughed. When Ali began to tear up, Ashlyn stopped laughing.

“Why are you crying?” Ashlyn asked. She dropped the couch and hurried to Ali’s side. She pulled her into a hug and apologized. “Babe, I’m sorry. What did I do?”

“I just want you to be comfortable. I want everything to be perfect for you.” Ali answered. She had been thinking about the next couple of days ever since the move was official. 

The thought of Ashlyn waking up alone, living life without her, made her want to make the strange new house feel as much like home as possible.

Ashlyn kissed her cheek to get her to smile and said, “Thank you. I’m so happy you’re here helping me with this stuff.”

“I’m dreading tomorrow.” Ali confessed. 

Tomorrow was the day. The day when their separation finally became a reality. Ali had to fly back to their apartment that night. She had practice with the Spirit the next morning. She only had a few more hours left with Ashlyn.

“I know.” Ash said. “Me, too. But it won’t be long.” 

“Two weeks.” Ali replied. “Two weeks too long.”

Ashlyn agreed, but knew that she had to keep it together...for Ali’s sake. Her fiancé couldn’t handle it if she fell apart.

...

“Alex, I can’t believe you.” Ashlyn didn’t yell, but she was clearly upset.

Ali felt terrible. Two months had passed since Ashlyn’s move, and after Ali’s first two visits, she had approved for her agent to schedule an appearance and a sponsor meeting on the days she was supposed to visit Ash. This was the second week in a row that Ali disappointed Ashlyn.

“I’m sorry. It’s a big sponsor. We said we would work as much as we can now to save up for our future...our family.” Ali explained. They knew that this was the best time for them to make money for their future. Ali’s reasoning was both logical and practical.

The women were video chatting, so Ali could see every detail on her fiancé’s face. Ashlyn would have preferred to appear angry, but Ali saw that she was hurt. 

Ali apologized again. “Baby, I am so sorry. My agent called and it’s a good thing for us. Sponsors aren’t always gonna be around.” Ali watched Ashlyn’s hand try to nonchalantly wipe at her eyes to hide the fact that she was crying. “Ash, you know I wish I could be with you. I love you more than anything. You know that!”

Ali saw Ashlyn’s hand shake as it reached from her face towards her. The next thing she saw was a blank screen. Ashlyn had closed her laptop and disconnected their call.

Ali immediately called Ash’s phone. 

As expected, Ashlyn didn’t answer. She left a quick message. “Baby, I’m sorry. You know that I wish it could be different. Please don’t be mad. I miss you so much...” Ali wanted to say that she would do anything to be with her, but she couldn’t say those words, because she made the decision to work instead of visit Ashlyn. She ended her message, “I love you, Ashlyn. I’m sorry.”

Ashlyn ignored Ali for the rest of the day. Ali’s final message of the night came via text. She sent a simple request. “Please call me when you’re ready. I love you.”

Ali received a text message the next morning. Both women were still in bed. 

“FTO?” 

Ali quickly replied, “How about FO?’

“What’s FO?” Ash sent back. 

“Fight over.” Ali replied. 

Ashlyn immediately called Ali.

“I’m sorry.” Ali’s first words came before Ashlyn could give a greeting.

Ashlyn replied, “I miss you.”

“I know. I miss you, too.”

Ashlyn had her phone pressed against her ear. She rolled over in her bed and swept her hand over the empty space next to her. The spot that belonged to Ali felt cold. 

“I wish you were here.” Ash said. Ali could hear the sadness through the phone.

Ali’s voice matched her fiancé’s. “I wish I was, too. I’m so sorry.”

Ashlyn sighed and replied, “It’s not your fault. You were right. We have a house now. We have to make money so we can build up our savings.”

Ali mouth formed a tired smile when she heard Ashlyn’s words. “Next week we’ll get a day with each other after our games. I promise nothing will keep us apart.” Ali said.

Ali kept her promise. Even though she had a last minute photo shoot opportunity, she immediately turned it down.  
 Ali had a Friday night game and Ash a Saturday night game. They reunited at their DC apartment after Ashlyn’s game. They didn’t have much time together, but even the little bit of time made a huge difference. 

Ali sighed in complete satisfaction as the women shared their bed together for the first time in far too long. She kissed Ashlyn’s exposed shoulder and said, “Baby, I’ve missed you.” She laced their fingers together and held up their connected hands and added, “I missed holding your hand.” She leaned in and pressed her lips against Ashlyn’s and said, “I’ve missed these lips.” She rolled on top of Ashlyn, bare skin on bare skin, and said, “I’ve missed all of you.”

After the last of many more passionate kisses, the women fell asleep in one another’s arms.

The next morning, Ashlyn woke up in a panic. “We overslept!” She clumsily nudged Ali and almost tripped leaving their bed to gather her stuff. On her way to the bathroom she yelled, “Alex, get up! You have to take me to the airport.”

Ali rolled over into Ashlyn’s pillow and breathed in her fiancé’s scent. She hoped that the smell would last until the next time they were together.    
With a toothbrush in her mouth Ashlyn repeated loudly, “Alex, get up!”

Ali smiled. These were some of the tiny moments that she missed the most. She loved having Ashlyn close enough to scold her in the morning. Ali surprised her stressed out fiancé by sneaking up behind her in the bathroom and patting her butt.  
 “I’m up.” Ali announced. She reached passed Ashlyn and grabbed her own toothbrush. After brushing her teeth, she said, “I’ll make coffee while you finish packing. We’ll be out the door in 20 minutes.”

Ashlyn felt a sense of calm. Ali had that effect on her.

It wasn’t until after Ali had dropped Ashlyn off at the airport, that the news of a horrific shooting in Orlando had gotten to them. Ali found out first. She hesitated to call Ashlyn. She thought for sure Ash would have called her if she had already found out. Ali wondered if it was better for her not to know. 

If only for the rest of her trip back to Orlando, Ali wanted to save her the pain of knowing.

At the airport Ashlyn found out, and was thinking the same thing about Ali. She didn’t want her fiancé to worry about her while she was flying to a place that had been the victim of a hate crime. A hate crime against not only Orlando, but a community of people that she was a part of. After deciding that she wanted to protect Ali from the news, she found her seat on the plane. As she settled in, her emotions started to settle in, as well. 

First, she was angry. So angry that her eyes teared up. She had never experienced such a feeling before...a feeling that could only be described as rage. Ashlyn covered her head with a hoodie and leaned forward. She pressed her head against the back of the seat in front of her. With her jaw clenched, she shut her eyes tightly and felt angry tears trail down her cheeks. 

Ali waited until she knew that Ashlyn’s phone was turned off and left a message on her voicemail. She tried to sound upbeat, but knew that it would be impossible to fake it for very long. She kept her message short.

“Hey Ash, give me a call when you land. I love you.”

By the end of Ashlyn’s flight she had experienced an array of emotions. 

Anger. 

Shock. 

Sadness. 

Fear...

She had asked herself many questions before the landing gear of the plane met the runway. 

Why does hate come so easily to some people?

Why does it matter who anyone chooses to love?

What if the same hate that killed and injured so many in the city she was living in, was waiting for her?

Should she shy away and play it safe?

What was her responsibility to the community? 

Was this a fight that she should fight?

And finally, what did she need to do to keep Ali safe?

...

“Ashlyn, don’t go out tonight.” Ali pleaded. “Stay home. I’ll stay home, too. We can have a Skype date and watch a movie.”

Ali was terrified that the hate that drove someone to violently attack 100 people, killing 49, might somehow find it’s way to her fiancé. 

Both women were angry, heartbroken, and in shock. More than anything though, Ali was afraid. Ashlyn was strong and made an effort to inspire those around her. Ali knew that she wouldn’t be satisfied with laying low and staying out of the public eye until things settled down. Ash would never do that, and Ali really wouldn’t want her to, but there was a part of her that wished Ashlyn would shy away from any attention that might make her a target.

Ashlyn answered Ali’s request, “Sorry. We have a team thing tonight. We’re gathering with the men’s team to show our support for the city.”

“Are you sure you have to go? I would rather you not.” Ali asked.    
Ash shrugged and answered, “Everyone has to be there.” She put her head down and sighed. When she lifted her gaze back to Ali there was a new strength to her words. “It’s important that I’m there.”

Ali agreed that it was important, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Ashlyn was at the forefront of the campaign. Just as Ali had predicted, she was inspiring and strong. Ali was so proud of her fiancé, but their upcoming game couldn’t come soon enough. Ashlyn would return home to her at the end of the week. Until then, Ali did all she could to support her, and listen to the many overwhelming feelings of the aftermath of the tragedy that happened so close to their new home in Orlando.

...

Ali didn’t care how it looked. She waited at baggage claim for her fiancé. She felt her heart flutter when she saw Ashlyn’s figure descend down the escalator. Ali knew the great pressure that her fiancé was under. She had practically become the face of the cause for her team. She was happy to do it, but it left her feeling exhausted and emotionally spent.

The moment Ashlyn stepped off the bottom step of the escalator, Ali pulled her to the side and hugged her. She whispered a quiet, “I love you” before releasing her from the embrace. 

Ali noticed a weariness in her fiancé's eyes. She waited for Ashlyn to excuse herself to use the restroom before asking Alex about how Ash was really doing.

“She’s tough.” Alex answered. She hesitated to expound, but knew it was for the best for her to be completely honest. “I think she’s having a hard time. She’s keeping everything pushed down...ya know what I mean?” Alex wasn’t exactly sure how to explain what she thought was going on in her friend’s heart and mind. “On the surface she’s saying the right things and doing the right things, but deep down I think she’s ready to break.”

The conversation stopped suddenly when the women saw Ashlyn walking back towards them. 

“That was fast.” Ali said to Ashlyn.

Ash held up her hands, palms facing Ali, and replied, “I just wanted to wash up.”

Ali forced a smile. Her fiancé was hurting, but standing in the middle of an airport, with all of her teammates watching, wasn’t the place to ask Ashlyn to be vulnerable.

Once the women had found Ali’s car and gotten a little privacy, Ali tried to get Ash to open up about the week she had had. Ali reached for Ashlyn’s hand and felt her flinch. Ashlyn had been staring out the window and Ali’s touch startled her. 

“Sorry.” Ali apologized. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Ali squeezed Ash’s hand and asked, “I wanted to ask how you were holding up?”

Ashlyn gave Ali her attention, but still seemed distant when she answered with almost no emotion. “I’m fine.”

Ali didn’t push Ashlyn. She didn’t question her answer. She knew it was only a matter of time before her fiancé opened up. 

“Are you hungry?” Ali asked. She had to squeeze Ashlyn’s hand again to get her to pay attention. 

“Nah...I ate on the plane.” Ashlyn answered. 

Ali looked at her suspiciously and asked, “Did you really?”

“No.” Ashlyn answered, before adding, “But I’m not hungry.”

Ali took a deep breath and slowly let it out to settle her own nerves. She didn’t want to take out her worries and emotions on Ashlyn. She needed to stay calm. Ashlyn needed a place of peace, and that place was Ali.

“Baby, you don’t have to eat unless you want to.” Ali reassured. “I stocked up the refrigerator with some of your faves. I would hate for them to go to waste.”

Ash slightly nodded in Ali’s direction. The brunette took that as a good sign and didn’t press the issue. 

When the couple entered their apartment, Ashlyn stopped just as she crossed the thresh hold of the doorway. Ali watched as she took a deep breath and she smiled when she heard Ash say, “I don’t know how, but the air feels better here.”

Ali knew that the process of Ashlyn finding an emotional balance was beginning. She predicted that it wouldn’t be until after the game that Ash would really start to feel better. Their game on Saturday was bigger than just a game. 

Ali was right. When the couple met on the pitch after the game, the defender offered her fiancé a quick hug. She added a whispered “I love you” before they released each other and greeted the other players on the field. Ali knew that a longer embrace, or any other heart felt words shared, might be too much for Ashlyn. She was holding it together, but there were a lot of passionate emotions waiting to be released. 

After team huddles and autographs. The women cleaned up and changed in their teams’ respective locker rooms. Again, it wasn’t until they were in the privacy of Ali’s car that they let down their guard. 

“You okay?” Ali asked. “That was hard.” It wasn’t only difficult for Ashlyn and Orlando, it was a somber day filled with inspirational speeches and tears for both teams. Ali and Ashlyn felt that it was their duty to be strong for everyone else. Now, they only needed to be strong for each other. 

“I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.” Ashlyn replied. She took Ali’s hand and kissed the top of it before adding, “I feel so tired.” 

Ash stayed connected to her fiancé the entire ride home. She held her hand against her chest, over heart, and fell asleep. Ali didn’t mind. She knew that it was the first moment of rest her future wife had had in a long time.

The women had two full days together. It was heaven. Both of them needed it more than anything else. The couple barely left their apartment. It was a time to rest, recharge, and reconnect. 

When the morning came for Ashlyn to leave, the goodbye felt sad, but it was also happy. It was happy because they were in a much better place emotionally than when Ali had picked Ash up from the airport a few days ago. Ali was confident that her fiancé was going to be just fine returning to Orlando.

Ashlyn’s mood couldn’t be dampened...at first. But then the airline lost her reservation and made her sit at the airport for an extra hour. When she arrived in Orlando, she found out that her luggage had been lost. She was starting to get a headache from the stress. 

She made herself take deep breaths and think back about the last few days she was able to spend with Ali. They were glorious days. By the time she arrived at her house, her attitude was much better. It wasn’t until she checked her mentions on Twitter that her peaceful state of mind completely disappeared. 

She couldn’t help it. She had spent the last week giving herself to whoever she could to make a difference and inspire love and kindness. She poured herself out to the point of having nothing left to give...and yet it wasn’t enough. 

Ashlyn had been accused of not doing enough to help. She was an open and vulnerable person, but there were some things, Ali to be specific, that were off limits. Their relationship was worth protecting. She felt under appreciated and as if all of her efforts were in vain.

“It’s never enough.” She said into her phone with a sigh to Ali. “People want too much. You give them a little, or a lot in our case, and they feel entitled to everything. If people knew the hate that we already get, maybe they would understand.”

Being in the eye of the public wasn’t easy, but the women had found a healthy balance of being honest and private. They knew what worked for them, and what didn’t work and brought on unnecessary stress to their relationship. Some of the comments came from well-meaning people who really felt that they could help, while others were from nosy people who couldn’t care less about the effect it had on them, or anyone else. Then there were the hate-filled comments that came from accounts that people set up for the sole purpose of hurting them. 

The right decision for them, was to be careful and keep some things to themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you loved was a victim of the Orlando shooting, please know that I hurt with you.


	10. Their Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay. The next update will be posted much quicker than this one was.

“Babe, you’re getting too skinny.” Ali said with a worried sigh.

Ashlyn shook her head in disagreement. “You’re crazy. I weigh the same.”

“Maybe you’ve lost weight, but put on muscle. Maybe you’re not eating enough.” Ali replied. She watched her fiancé from her side of the computer screen and wished that she could cover her face in kisses.

“Alex, we have the same nutritionist. I’m eating what she tells me to eat.” Ash answered. 

Ashlyn could tell that Ali wasn’t convinced, she smirked when she said, “Maybe you’re cooking made me fat.”

Ali’s jaw dropped in amused shock. “My cooking is amazing. Your Grandma taught me how to cook for you!” 

“I know.” Ash replied with a laugh. “That’s probably why it made me fat. It was so good, I could never get enough.”

Ali smiled and sighed thoughtfully. She sure loved Ashlyn. Ali slowly let out a deep breath. Ash felt her fiancé’s mood change. 

A serious look came over Ali’s face when she asked, “Are you remembering to eat and getting enough sleep?”

Ashlyn had a history of forgetting to eat when she was stressed, or sad. They had been seeing each other regularly, and Ali couldn’t see any signs of Ashlyn’s occasional depression popping up.

“Yes.” Ash answered, sounding exhausted by Ali’s constant worrying.

Ali shrugged and sighed, “I guess you’re okay. You just look a little thin.”

“I’m training a lot.” Ash replied. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Ali scratched her head and offered a small smile before saying, “Well, we’ll be together this weekend. I’m gonna fatten you up.” 

“Dawn might not like that.” Ash said, referring to their USWNT fitness coach. 

The women shared a laugh before saying their goodbyes and hanging up. Phone calls, video chats, text messages, and social media tags had become daily necessities for them. It was their way of spending their days apart as together as possible.

...

“Grandma is back in the hospital.” 

Ashlyn sent the text while Ali was at practice. She didn’t expect to get a response for a while. Ash felt that it wasn’t really an emergency, and it wasn’t really a surprise. Her grandmother had been fighting a brave battle against cancer. She finished up with her own team and drove to the hospital to visit the woman who had taught her how to hold on to hope when life got hard. 

There were so many things in her life happening that required a hopeful perseverance.

Ali saw Ash’s text and waited only long enough to find a private place to call back. 

Ash was alone in her grandmother’s room, watching her hero sleep. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and quietly answered.

“Hey.” Ash whispered.

Ali knew by the volume of her fiancé’s voice that she was at the hospital. “Hey Baby, you okay?”

“Yeah.” Ash whispered. “Grandma’s asleep.”

Ali sighed sadly, “I wish I could be there with you.” 

“Me too.”

“I’ll be there soon, Babe.” Ali promised.

Ali’s tender voice caused Ash’s heart to soften. She had been trying not to feel any emotions since she had heard about her grandmother’s return to the hospital. She wanted to be strong for the elderly woman that was the very definition of strength to her.

Ali couldn’t see her, but she knew that her fiancé was trying to keep from crying. She could tell by the way she was breathing.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” Ali said softly. She wanted more than anything to be there to hold Ashlyn. “I’ll be there in a few days. We should get your Grandma flowers.” 

The moment Ali had the idea she scribbled on her hand to remember to look for flowers in Ashlyn’s area after they hung up. 

“Why is she back in the hospital?” Ali asked. Ashlyn’s grandmother had been getting chemo and radiation, but she had recently finished a round of it and had been released to return home. 

“Her lab results don’t look good. They’re worried that the chemo isn’t helping.” 

Ali closed her eyes, trying to hold back her own tears. Chemo was the last hope that was left for Ashlyn’s beloved grandmother. 

Ash continued, “They think the treatment might be hurting her more than helping.” Ash lowered her voice, even more than it was before, and added sadly, “She’s so weak, Alex. I don’t know what I can do to help her.”

“You being there is the best thing you can do right now.” Ali replied. She swallowed hard thinking about the truth in her words. She wondered if she needed to be there for Ashlyn.

“I guess...” Ash replied, feeling unconvinced. There had to be more that she could do to help the woman that practically saved her life during her teen years. 

“What about your Grandpa?” Ali asked. “How’s he?”

“I told him I would pick him up tonight and bring him here. He can’t drive on his own, and there isn’t anyone that can bring him until tomorrow.” Ash answered. “I was hoping Grandma would wake up so I could let her know I was here and that I was leaving only because I was gonna come back with Grandpa.” Ashlyn added in a panic, “What if she wakes up and no one’s here?”

Ali wanted to tell Ash that she shouldn’t put so much pressure on herself, but she didn’t think it would be of any help to Ashlyn’s current state of mind. 

“Maybe it would be better for you to stay there and let someone else bring your Grandpa tomorrow.” Ali suggested. She knew her idea wouldn’t be well received so she added, “You look exhausted, Ash. 3 hours of driving so late at night makes me nervous.”

“I already told Grandpa I was picking him up.” Ash replied with a bit of a rigid tone in her voice that told Ali it wasn’t up for debate.

“Okay Baby, please just be careful. Text me when you get to your grandparents’ house and then when you get back to the hospital.” Ali replied in as upbeat and supportive tone as she could find. 

“Okay...” Ash sighed. Ashlyn’s eyes drifted to her sleeping grandmother before she added sadly, “...love you.”

Once they had hung up, Ali gave her attention back to the idea she had at the beginning of their conversation. She immediately searched on her phone for a website for a local florist near Ashlyn and picked out a large bouquet of flowers for her fiancé’s grandmother. When she had to write out the card to go along with it, she considered signing both Ash and her name. She typed it out, but ended up deleting her name for the sole purpose of giving Ashlyn full credit for the thoughtful gift. It made her smile because she felt helpless to do much else. The least she could do was make her fiancé look good.

...

By the time Ali flew to Orlando for her visit, Ashlyn’s grandmother was more stable than before. Ali and Ash visited her every day and talked about their upcoming wedding and their thoughts about the Olympics and making their family and country proud. 

Ashlyn’s grandfather had been staying with Ash because her house was closer to the hospital than his. Ali’s heart gushed whenever she saw her fiancé’s tender care of the elderly man. He moved slowly and his mind wasn’t as sharp as it used to be. Ash helped him with almost everything necessary for daily life. 

Every morning the sweet old man asked where his wife was and why he wasn’t in the house that the couple had called home for over 50 years. Ashlyn always answered him patiently and promised to take him to see her after he showered, shaved, and had breakfast. Ali loved seeing Ash interact with her family. It gave her a glimpse into their future together. 

...

Under the table Ali tapped Ashlyn’s leg with her foot. Ash had zoned out of the conversation they had been having and Ali wondered where her mind went off to. 

“What are you thinking about?” Ali asked. 

She had the idea of taking a lunch break from the hospital. Her short visit in Orlando before they both left for national team camp had been filled with mostly domestic family stuff. In between taking care of Ashlyn’s grandparents, the couple did some wedding planning, grocery shopping, house cleaning, they played with Alex and Servando's dog, and did a hundred other little things that made them feel like a real family that lived in the same house and wasn’t separated by distance. 

It felt amazing. It felt right. It felt like home.

“Grandma asked me about Rio.” Ash replied. “I don’t want to disappoint her.” 

Ali reached for her fiancé’s hand and squeezed it supportively before she said, “You could never disappoint her.” 

Ashlyn laughed in a self deprecating sort of way and asked, “You sure about that?”

The blonde didn’t need to elaborate on what she was thinking. Ali was well aware of Ashlyn’s unrealistic expectations she set for herself when it came to her grandparents. She never felt like her efforts were enough. It wasn’t that she couldn’t see the success in her hard work and accomplishments, or that her grandparents didn’t appreciate her hard work and success. It was because Ash felt like her grandmother and grandfather deserved the world. They were the ones who stood by her in her most difficult years. She felt that they deserved more than she could ever give them.

Ashlyn believed that if it wasn’t for them, she wouldn’t have lived long enough to have Ali’s hand to hold. She wouldn’t have been able to have the kind of life that exceeded her wildest dreams. Sitting there next to Ali, sharing a house and future together, was all because of the elderly couple’s unwavering love, acceptance, encouragement, and support.

“Can I ask you a question?” Ali said, pulling Ashlyn out of her self-condemning thoughts. 

Ashlyn shrugged and answered, “Sure.” 

“Why do you think your grandparents love you so much?” 

The blonde leaned away from her fiancé, feeling a slight sting in what she thought Ali might be implying. 

“What do you mean?” Ash asked carefully. 

Ali wanted to swallow her future wife up in a comforting hug, but she needed to make a point. “Do you think that they love you because of anything outside of the fact that you’re you?”

“What?” Ash asked. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Ali stifled a laugh at the confused look on Ashlyn’s face and explained. “Baby, they don’t love you because of trophies and accomplishments. They love you because you’re you. You’ve told me so many times about how they adored you even when you were struggling to find your way and made a lot of mistakes. The fact is, and this is true for me too, they love you because you’re you. You could be some random person on the street and you would still be the most beautiful human inside and out. They saw what was in you before you did. I see you for the person you are. It’s not soccer, or the Olympics that make you more valuable or worthy to us.”

Ali had to laugh at herself. She wondered if she was being too verbose, but she really meant every word. As a competitive athlete it was easy to get caught measuring yourself by accolades and championships. To Ali, Ashlyn could never be anything more than what she already was, because to her Ashlyn was perfect. 

“Alex, I don’t need a pep talk. I’m just telling you about a conversation that I had with Grandma.” Ash replied with a hint of frustration. 

Ali’s face showed that Ash’s tone wasn’t gentle and the blonde immediately apologized and explained why she had brought the subject up. 

“I’ve been thinking...” Ash said. She anxiously cleared her throat before she continued, “...if I end up as an alternate for the Olympics, maybe I should stick around here and help take care of Grandma and Grandpa.”

Ali was completely caught off guard by the notion. First of all, she still believed that Ash had a chance to make the roster, even though their coach’s actions had seemed to contradict that belief. No matter what, she felt that Ashlyn deserved to be on the roster and held onto the chance that their coach would reward her accordingly.

The second thing that Ali thought about was the chance that Ashlyn’s grandmother had asked Ash to stay in Florida. If that was the case, then Ali could think of no other reason but that the woman felt that she wouldn’t make it to the end of the Olympics and wanted her granddaughter to be by her side. How could Ali keep her from staying if that was the case?

“Did Grandma ask you to stay?” Ali asked cautiously. If the old woman had asked Ash to stay, then she needed to prepare herself to have a completely different conversation.

“No.” Ash answered. “She just said that she would be cheering for me even if she was still in the hospital.”

Ali let out a breath of relief and said, “That’s sweet. We can face time with her every day.”  
 “Yeah.” Ash sighed sadly.

“Babe, it’s gonna be okay. No matter what happens.” 

“I guess...” Ash replied in resignation, unconvinced that everything would be okay like Ali had promised. 

...

“Ash, take a breath.” Ali encouraged. “Your cousins are taking care of your Grandpa. Your Grandma is gonna get to go home this week. Everything is fine.”

“I feel guilty leaving.” Ashlyn replied. 

The couple sat next to each other on a plane as they were on their way to join the rest of the national team. Ash leaned forward in her seat and put her face in her hands. Ali’s hand instinctively went to her back and began to rub it in comforting circles.

Ash continued, “I’m overwhelmed.” She leaned back into Ali’s touch and sighed into a smile and asked, “How about you?”

Ail returned her fiancé's grin and nodded in agreement when she answered, “Me too.”

“You know what makes me happy?” Ash asked. 

Ali leaned her head against the blonde’s shoulder and asked, “What?” 

“Being here with you.” Ashlyn discreetly leaned down and pressed her lips against Ali’s forehead. She added, “No matter what happens, we’ve got a pretty sweet deal going on here.”

The ‘sweet deal’ Ash referred to was something that she tried to keep at the forefront of her mind. Regardless of number of caps, or roster positions, being called into NT camp at all was a huge accomplishment. The fact that she met her fiancé through the national team and that they both continued to be called up together, was something that was truly special. 

It was a rare blessing that both women knew they’d be crazy to take for granted.

“This is our year.” Ali replied. She had barely missed the last Olympics because of an injury and she felt that Ashlyn was closer than ever to being on the roster, too. “So far, this has been the best year ever.” 

Ashlyn nodded in agreement. As a small smile graced her lips she thought about everything that had happened in the last year. Their engagement. Their new house in her home state. She has been given the opportunity to play on a team that was close enough for her family to consistently see her play. Their relationship was solid and happy.

It was true...this was their year.


	11. Proud

“Ash, I wish I was there with you.” Ali said wistfully.

Ashlyn’s voice was monotone, absent of all emotion when she answered, “We planned it this way for a reason. I’m fine.”

Ali pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers and bit her tongue. Ashlyn was upset, but pretending that she wasn’t. Ali hated it when she did that. It made her feel like her fiancé was trying to lie to her. Ashlyn, of course, couldn’t really lie to her. Ali always knew when she was hurting.

Ali took a calming breath and said, “My family would love for you to join us.” 

“Alex, I told you I’m fine.”

Ali was feeling her cheeks heat up. It wasn’t that she was necessarily angry. She understood why Ashlyn wanted space, but she couldn’t stand that Ash wasn’t being honest with her.

“Ashlyn, you’re not fine...and that’s okay.” Ali said firmly. She watched as Ashlyn’s face fell and practically saw her heart break to pieces in front of her on her computer screen. 

Ali continued, “Look, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. I’m not trying to make you do, or say, anything you don’t want to.” 

Ashlyn’s face was towards the floor below her so Ali could only see the top of her head. Her face may have been out of the camera’s view, but her tear drops couldn’t be hidden. Ali saw each one fall.

“Baby?” Ali asked in a soft voice. “What do you need from me?”

It took a few moments for Ashlyn to gather herself. She wiped at her eyes and said with a quiet and broken voice, “I need some time alone.” She sniffed back a new set of tears and added, “If that’s okay.”

Ali nodded sadly, knowing that it was Ashlyn’s way to withdraw. She had learned that it didn’t help to push her at first. The couple had made a promise with one another about this issue. If Ashlyn needed space, Ali would give it to her. However, Ashlyn needed to open up when Ali felt the space became too much.

“Whatever you need.” Ali replied. She didn’t like it, but it was what she knew to be best for Ashlyn.

Ash wiped at her face again and said, “I’ll call you.” 

Ali couldn’t speak. Her heart broke knowing how much Ashlyn was hurting. She nodded and forced a smile that Ash knew wasn’t real. 

“Maybe in a day or two.” Ash added. 

Ali continued to nod...tears forming in her eyes...her fake smile never leaving her face.

“Love you.” Ash said, feeling guilty for being the way she was. 

She wished she was as strong as Ali. She wished she didn’t need to sort through her thoughts and feelings. She wished she was able to honestly tell Ali that she was happy for her. Ashlyn knew what a huge honor and accomplishment it was for the defender to be named to the Olympic roster. She felt selfish and weak not being able to separate her joy for Ali from her pain and disappointment for herself.

“You too.” Ali said quickly through tears. She was losing it and didn’t want Ashlyn to see. She closed her laptop before Ash could see her completely fall apart.

Ashlyn sent her a text a few minutes later. 

“I’m sorry I’m like this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy your break with your family. Please don’t worry about me.”

Of course, all Ali did was worry about her.

...

It took one long and hard day, but Ashlyn found a way to manage her emotions. Ali expected her fiancé to take at least 2 or 3 days, which to her would have felt like forever, but Ashlyn surprised her when she called her early the next morning. The truth was, Ashlyn’s need for space wasn’t as strong as her need for Ali.

“I’m getting a tattoo.” Ash explained to Ali. She was hoping to get the Olympic rings on her arm, but had to change her plan. “It’s about the journey. I’m gonna get something that speaks about what I’ve been through and that I will keep going, one step at a time.” 

“That’s great.” Ali said. She wanted to talk about Ashlyn’s feelings, not necessarily a tattoo, but she would take what she could get. “What made you decide on that?” Ali asked. She knew that Ash’s ink meant a lot more than just pictures on her skin. The question would lead her fiancé in the direction of talking about what she was feeling.

“I guess I feel really disappointed...for obvious reasons.” Ash said sadly. “But I’m also really proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome. I keep letting the moments of disappointment speak louder to me than the sum of my journey. I’m trying to stop doing that.”

“That’s amazing, Ash.” Ali replied. She felt that the space she had given to Ashlyn had paid off. Her brilliant, beautiful fiancé had more strength and insight than most people she knew.

Ali really was amazed, but she couldn’t help the next words that slipped out. “When can I see you?”

Ashlyn laughed at her, her face covered with a big smile when she answered, “Babe, I’m trying to tell you about my new tattoo.”

“I’m sorry. I just really want to see you.”

Ash replied, “I know and I want to see you too, but you need to spend time with your family. We’ll be together for a month in Rio. I’m gonna stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days and then I’ll fly to DC to be with you.”

Ali rolled her eyes playfully and said, “Whatever.”

“Hey...” Ash said, getting serious all of a sudden. “I really appreciate you.”

“What?” Ali stammered. “Why?” She felt embarrassed by the loving way that Ash was suddenly looking at her. Her eyes seemed as if she was looking right into her soul.

“You really helped me.” Ash answered. “I’m so proud of you. I feel bad that I didn’t say that yesterday.”

“You don’t have to feel bad, Ash. I understand.”

Ashlyn shook her head and replied, “I do feel bad. Ya know, when someone’s fiancé gets told that they’re going to the Olympics it should be an automatic celebration. I let you down. I know you purposely held back because of me. You shouldn’t have had to do that.”

“It’s complicated.” Ali said, wanting to put Ashlyn’s mind at ease. “I remember what it was like when I got injured. I understand. I really do.” 

Ali knew exactly what it felt like to barely miss out playing in the Olympics. Ash still had a sliver of hope. As an alternate, if someone got sick or injured, she would be the next in line to take their place, but that wasn’t something that a good teammate should root for. 

Both women were committed to their team and to the success of the US in the tournament. Ali also had her own disappointments. For some reason their coach was no longer putting her in the starting lineup. There was literally nothing she could do. Her performance had been excellent in the World Cup, the Victory Tour, and in her in the NWSL. It didn’t make sense to her, but she wasn’t going to take a trip to Rio and a spot on the roster for granted. If anything, Ashlyn’s situation only made her more grateful.

“When I’m on the field...or the bench...” Ali half-heartedly joked. “You’ll be there with me. You know that, right?” Ali asked. “You’re always with me. Whether we’re apart, or together. You’re a big reason why I am where I am. I don’t know that I would have made it back to the pitch without you.”

“Come on, Al...give yourself a little more credit than that. You know that you would be exactly where you are with or without me. You’re the one who worked your butt off to get here.” Ashlyn argued. 

Ali wanted to transport herself through her computer screen just so she could punch her fiancé in the arm. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.” Ali replied. “You always do that. You always sell yourself short.” 

“I’m just saying that you are the reason you are where you are.” Ash clarified. “You did it.”

“Don’t you think that you played an important role in helping me get here?” Ali asked. “Like...for real. Are you so blind that you can’t see that?” 

“Chill, woman.” Ash replied with a laugh. Ali sounded like she was offended by the idea that Ashlyn didn’t think she helped her.

Ali put her hand up, with her palm facing the screen, and said, “No.” 

She waited for Ashlyn to straighten up and get serious before she continued. “Don’t you remember 4 years ago? My heart was broken. My spirit was broken. You saved me the day you showed up at my Dad’s house. I had hurt you, but you came back to me anyway. I wanted to give up...” Ali wiped her cheeks dry before adding, “You didn’t let me give up.”

For a moment the couple held each other’s gaze before Ali said, “There are a lot of reasons and people to thank for where I’m at...and Ash...you’re at the top of the list.”

Ash’s face wore a small smile as she shook her head. She wasn’t as convinced of the credit her fiancé was giving her, but she wasn’t going to argue. Ali’s words meant a lot to her, and she knew that she did play a role in her recovery and training. However, she also knew how hard it was on her own journey. No one can do the work for you. Ali earned her spot, on her own, through hard work and determination.

...

The day had finally come. The couple packed up the last of their essentials and shared a lazy intimate morning together before leaving their DC apartment to join the rest of their team at the airport. 

Ashlyn had conflicting feelings about the whole experience, but most of all she was a fan of Ali. She was excited to share in one of the biggest accomplishments any athlete could attain. Her future wife was an Olympian and she didn’t want to waste one minute of their time together feeling anything but pride for Ali. She set aside her personal disappointment and devoted herself to Ali and her teammates. 

“You two look...well rested.” Pinoe joked with an eyebrow raise. 

Ali looped her arm in Ashlyn’s and said. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m just saying, it must be nice being able to sleep in your own bed.” Megan replied. “If ‘sleep’ is what you want to call it.”

Ashlyn smirked and looked at Ali to take the lead on their response. She watched as Ali’s face filled with red from embarrassment. 

Ali repeated her original response, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ali removed her arm from Ashlyn’s, only to use her now free hand to pat the keeper’s backside and said, “But yeah, it was awesome.”

Ali gave Ash a confident wink before leaving the two blondes to join a group that had assembled at a coffee kiosk near their gate. 

“She is not as innocent as she looks.” Megan said as they watched her walk away.

Ashlyn’s lips turned up, revealing her famous dimples, as she said, “No...no she definitely isn’t.” Ashlyn had new marks on her skin from a morning spent with Ali to prove it. She was grateful that the bruises were in places that were easily covered, but they still served as a reminder that her fiancé was a firecracker. 

...

After their first practice in Rio, Whitney almost fell to the ground from the impact of Ashlyn’s body. Ash had run behind her and without warning jumped on her back. 

“You are such a spaz.” Whit grumbled. 

With her arms loosely wrapped around her friend’s neck, Ash replied, “Hey, BFF.”

Ashlyn squeezed Whitney’s waist with her legs to hold herself up and made her best friend carry her to the locker room.

Whit rolled her eyes as she carried the goalkeeper, and as soon as she saw Ali she said, “Can you do something about this unwanted growth on my back?”

Ali laughed and Ash let go of Whitney, sliding off of her back. 

“Unwanted growth?” Ash said. “You know you love me.”

Whitney shook her head in what appeared to be disdain and said, “Unfortunately you’re right.”

“Hey BFF...” Ash said, ignoring the blonde defender’s tone. “...Ali has plans with her Mom tonight. Do you want to get coffee, or something?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Whitney answered with a half smile. She tried to look serious and annoyed, but she loved her wild friend. She was happy to spend some time with her.

That night Ali and Ash shared a chaste kiss in the doorway of Ash’s room before the defender left to meet up with her mother. Ashlyn called Whit less than a minute after Ali’s departure. The two met in the lobby of the hotel and set out on a best friend adventure to explore the city.

“How’s the wedding planning coming along?” Whit asked, once the friends had found a quaint coffee shop. “Or should I ask Ali? Does she even let you in on what’s going on? You do know you’re getting married, right?” 

It was a running joke between the two college friends that Ali made the rules and Ashlyn followed them. Ash didn’t mind. Ali and her relationship was solid. They both had their moments of compromise. Ashlyn wasn’t ashamed of it. She was proud. They had come a long way.

“We’re putting the planning and prep stuff on hold until after the games.” Ash answered, completely ignoring her best friend’s teasing.

Whitney got serious. She really did care about Ashlyn. She asked, “So, how are you holding up?”

Ashlyn wanted to laugh. Whit was treating her as if she had some kind of terminal disease or something. “I’m holding up just fine.” Ash wanted to keep their conversation light hearted and easy. 

Whitney had other ideas. “Come on, Ash. You are allowed to have feelings.”

Ashlyn laughed at her friend who was always so steady and logical. She wasn’t one to get over emotional about anything. Half of their college life together was her telling Ashlyn not to overreact to things...and now she’s telling Ash to share her feelings.

Ashlyn shook her head at the irony of her friend’s statement and said, “It was hard, but I can’t focus on myself. It’s all about Ali and the team now.”

“Ash, you’re part of the team. So...it’s about you too.”

Ash smiled. “You know what I mean. Besides let’s be honest. How many times does someone get to go to the Olympics with their fiancé? It’s a rare opportunity that we are grateful for. Usually when an Olympian is in this situation their significant other has to be proud and supportive from a distance. I get to experience it with her. I know it’s not the same as being on the roster, but how can I not be happy when my favorite person in the world is getting to live out their dream?”

Whitney interrupted, “You mean your two favorite people in the world.” She felt Ash needed to be corrected. 

“Yes, I could never forget about you, Whitney. I’m very happy for you too.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt you to say it every once in a while.”

“I’m very proud of you.” Ash replied dutifully. “I just want to be the best teammate I can be and Ali’s biggest supporter. That’s my focus. That’s where I’m at.” Ashlyn shrugged and added, “Besides, Ali said that we can share her gold medal. We don’t like to have a lot of clutter in the house, so two of the same medal might be overkill.”

Whitney laughed and nodded along with her crazy friend.

...

Ashlyn snuck into Ali and Pinoe’s dark room. Both women were already in bed when Ash texted Ali. Ali propped the door open for her fiancé and went back to bed.

“Hey.” Ash whispered, doing her best not to wake Megan up. Ashlyn shook Ali’s arm and waited to hear Ali make a humming sound before she continued. “How’s your Mom?”

Ali made no effort to open her eyes. She was exhausted from that day’s practice and her emotions were high that day due to spending time with her mother and the excitement of the next day’s game. She didn’t open her eyes, but she did reach for Ash in the darkness. Ashlyn’s eyes had adjusted and when she saw her fiancé searching for her, she intercepted her hand with her own to make it easier. 

“Good.” Ali whispered. “She wants to spend some time with you.”

“Tell her any time, any place.” Ash replied. 

Ali squeezed Ashlyn’s hand and said in a tired and quiet voice, “I love you.”

Ashlyn pressed her lips against Ali’s and said, “Love you too, Babe. I’ll let you get back to sleep.” She lightly patted Ali’s stomach and kissed her hand before letting go and returning to her own room.

Ali needed her rest. 

She was going to play in her first Olympic game the following day.

Ashlyn couldn’t be more proud.


	12. Hang Em' Up

Ali stealthily snuck next to her sleeping fiancé. She whispered in the blonde’s ear, “Move over.” 

Ashlyn did as she was told. She had heard Ali’s request hundreds of times before. Ash moved her arm across the bed in order to open up Ali’s favorite spot. The defender rested her head on the keeper’s chest and felt Ashlyn’s arms wrap her up. 

It was just what Ali needed.

Ali woke up earlier than Ashlyn. She carefully slid out of the blonde’s sleepy grip and made her way to the door. 

“You don’t have to sneak around.” 

Ali heard a raspy voice from behind her. She slowly turned around to face Ashlyn’s roommate. 

“Sorry.” Ali apologized. 

“I don’t care that you’re here.” Alex said. “You don’t have to leave.”

Ali nervously cleared her throat. “It’s not just that.” Ali said, referring to wanting to hide from Alex. “I don’t want her to know.” She added, as she nodded toward her favorite blonde. 

“Why?” Alex asked. “I mean, don’t you think she already knows you were here? You slept in the same bed.”

“She won’t remember. We’ve slept in the same bed thousands of times. She won’t remember anything strange, or different, because it will feel like the most normal thing ever.” Ali explained. 

Both women froze when they heard Ashlyn move and release a tired groan. 

“She’s still asleep.” Ali said. She had seen her do the same thing over and over again during the years they had been together. She didn’t hesitate to continue their conversation. “She’ll worry. I don’t want her to worry about me. I came here last night to get a little comfort from the woman I love. I was having a hard time sleeping.” Ali dropped her voice and begged, “Please, Alex. Please don’t say anything to her. She has enough on her mind already.”

“I think you should just tell her.” Alex replied. 

“Alex...” Ali said in a serious, and somewhat stern, tone. “...promise me you won’t tell her.”

Alex tiredly put her hands up in the air in a gesture of surrender and said, “Okay, okay. I promise.”

Ali nodded and offered a small and grateful smile before leaving Alex to go back to her own room.

They both tried to fall back to sleep. Alex succeeded. Unfortunately, Ali still couldn’t fall asleep without Ashlyn by her side.

...

Ashlyn threw a pillow at her sleeping roommate and said, “Al, wake up.”

Alex grumbled in Ash’s direction. “Why are you like this?” She clumsily threw the pillow back towards Ashlyn. 

The keeper laughed and launched one of Alex’s shoes at her. 

“I gotta go meet Ali for coffee. You wanted me to wake you up before I left.” Ash explained. “Well...I’m leaving, so wake up.”

Alex covered her head with her comforter and tried to ignore the blonde and go back to sleep. It was just before her consciousness slipped away that she remembered. 

“Hey...” She said and popped her head out from underneath the blanket. “I think Ali was here last night.”

The star forward was trying to put all the details together. She was still too tired to think clearly.

“No, she wasn’t.” Ash argued.

Alex looked thoroughly annoyed when she said, “Yes, she was. I remember talking to her.”

“Why would she be here and not tell me? It doesn’t make any sense.” 

Alex had been acting a little grumpy, but as her memory returned her attitude softened. 

“I think she was sad.” Alex answered. “I think she was having a hard time falling asleep.”

“Why wouldn’t she tell me that?”

“She didn’t want you to worry.” Alex answered. “I remember those were her exact words.” Alex’s eyes grew big as she remembered the rest of their conversation. “Hey, don’t tell her I said anything. I think she asked me not to tell you.”

Ashlyn had started her morning off by flirting through text messages with Ali. She moved on to teasing Alex. Now she felt heavy hearted and concerned for her fiancé. 

“I gotta go.” Ash said, looking at her watch. 

She was late. Ali was waiting for her.

...

The couple had planned to meet by the elevator on their floor. Ash took so long that Ali decided to go straight to the source and waited outside the blonde’s room. When Ashlyn opened the door, Ali fell backwards into her. The defender had taken a seat with her back leaning against the door. 

Ashlyn’s quick hands came in handy when she caught her fiancé and kept her from hitting the ground. She lifted Ali back to her feet and the women shared a hug in the open doorway. 

“You okay?” Ashlyn asked with a laugh. She tried to hide her amusement, but the scene was too much for her. 

“You took too long.” Ali playfully scolded. She kissed Ashlyn’s cheek and led her by the hand to the elevator.

The team rented out the entire floor of the hotel, so she wasn’t worried about any negative attention to their small acts of affection. They kept things professional when with the team, but they were the only ones in the hallway, and they woke up an hour early for the sole purpose of enjoying each other’s company. A few stolen kisses, hugs, and hand holding were to be expected.

Once the couple had found a nearby cafe, Ashlyn announced, “So, I heard a rumor about you.”

Ali scrunched up her face and asked, “What?”

“I sorta promised the person I wouldn’t say anything so...”

Ashlyn left her reply hanging and thoroughly enjoyed Ali’s frustration.

“What’s the rumor? Who did you promise you wouldn’t say anything to?” Ali asked. She had a crazy look in her eye that told Ashlyn she wasn’t going to let her get away with teasing her any longer. 

“I heard that you snuck into my bed last night.” Ashlyn answered. She smirked and added, “I guess someone missed me.”

Ash watched as her fiancé let out a sigh of relief. Ali thought that she had managed to hide the real reason for her late night visit. 

“Alex, what’s going on?” Ashlyn asked. She couldn’t continue with the facade that everything was okay. Their friend had told her that Ali seemed sad and didn’t want her to worry. Something was up.

“I missed you.” Ali winked and tried to flirt her way out of a difficult conversation. “You know how much I love sleeping with you.” She raised her eyebrows, hoping she could distract Ashlyn with the insinuation.

The two were seated across from each other at a small booth. Their legs had been intertwined underneath the table, but when Ali tried to deceive Ashlyn, she physically pulled away from any sort of touch. 

“Ash...” Ali said in reply to Ashlyn’s reaction. “Don’t be like that.” 

Ashlyn didn’t hide a sigh of frustration. In fact, she made an effort to make it louder than necessary. 

“Ashlyn Michelle...” Ali whispered. “What do you want me to say?” Ali was about to regret her question.

“Alexandra Blaire...” Ashlyn said with matching sass. “I want you to tell me the truth. A lie isn’t an answer that I want to hear from your lips.”

“I am not lying.” Ali replied. “I always love sleeping with you. How is that lying?”

“You know what I’m asking you. You’re making up excuses and not telling me the truth.” Ashlyn said. “I don’t like being lied to, Alex.”

Ali was feeling defensive. The tone of their conversation had changed so fast. She didn’t see it coming. 

“Ashlyn, you need to calm down. You’re accusations are starting to piss me off.” Ali replied in a hushed, angry tone. She didn’t want anyone around them to hear. 

“It pisses me off that you lie to me.” Ash replied in the same manner. She took a sip of her coffee and leaned back. It was as if she was challenging Ali to argue.

“What did Alex tell you?” Ali asked in frustrated surrender. 

“I would rather MY Alex tell me.” Ashlyn said. She didn’t want to have to hear about her fiancé’s feelings from someone else. 

“Baby, it’s no big deal.” Ali said quietly. She couldn’t fight it any longer. She knew she needed to be honest, but she felt guilty about the truth of what she was feeling. 

Ashlyn softened her tone and replied, “It is a big deal to me. You’re obviously going through something. That matters to me, Alex.” Ash reached across the table and covered Ali’s hand with her own and added, “You wouldn’t want me to struggle through something alone.”

“You’re right.” Ali said. “I would hate that.”

“So, what’s going on?”

Ali took a deep breath and said, “I’m really frustrated with not playing and...I just feel like all of my hard work is worthless. It was so hard getting here, and now I’m a spectator. And maybe I’m biased, or bitter, but I feel like our team is worse than it was during our last tournament. I know that sounds egotistical, but it’s true...right?”

Ashlyn nodded in agreement as Ali continued to vent.

“Our defensive line is really struggling and I feel like I could help, but am I being a bad teammate by thinking that? And then I think about you...” 

Ali was beginning to ramble, but Ash knew it was necessary. The defender had been bottling everything up for too long.

Ali continued, “How can I complain when you’re the one that wasn’t even given a chance. I’m sorry, but you’ve earned it! And you having to watch from the stands is completely unfair. And then I think...how can I complain when you’re going through what you’re going through?”

Ali sighed and finished her thought, “It just isn’t fair.”

“First off, you do not need to worry about me.” Ashlyn replied. “This is about you. You deserve to start and to play every minute of the tournament.” 

Ashlyn squeezed Ali’s hand and continued, “Second, you are 100% right. Our defense needs you. Coach has a different game plan, but I guarantee you, Alex, your absence will soon reveal how important you are.”

“Not everyone feels the same way.” Ali said under her breath.

“Babe, the strategy is flawed. We’ve been playing weaker teams...and struggling. Sooner or later people are gonna start to realize that this risky experiment won’t hold up against a good offensive team.” 

Ali let out a quiet chuckle and said, “I really love you.”

Ashlyn smiled and said, “I’m serious, though.”

Ali grinned, “I know. Thank you.”

...

Ali only had to sit through one more frustrating game. One that saw her on the bench for the entire game. When the US was eliminated, Ashlyn’s only thought was of Ali. She made her way to the field and politely greeted everyone who crossed her path on the way to her fiancé, but her focus never left Ali.

Ash was surprised when they finally reunited. Ali was smiling. She could tell that the brunette wanted to cry, but somehow she was laughing. 

“What a horrible game.” Ali said, as the two embraced. “Can you believe it?”

“No.” Ash answered simply.

Ali squeezed Ash one more time before letting go and said, “At least I know it wasn’t my fault.” 

There was a sadness in Ali’s voice, but at the same time all of her concerns and feelings were completely justified. It was a strange mix of emotions. 

...

“Well, our plans have now been completely ruined.” Ali said, as the couple made their way by plane to Florida. Ali was going to meet her mother and Ash was going to her hometown to spend time with her family.

Ashlyn nodded along with Ali’s sentiments. 

The plans Ali was referring to was their plan to save up money from the salary and bonuses of the national team and create a healthy nest egg for their future family. Their plan first was spoiled when Ash didn’t make the roster on several of their friendly match ups, and then when she went to the Olympics as an alternate. That took a big chunk out of their expected income. Then they lost more when Ali and the team got eliminated from the tournament without earning a medal. 

“It will be okay.” Ash promised. 

“Weddings are expensive. Adoption is expensive. IVF is expensive. Mortgages are expensive.” Ali said. She was stressed out and finally had a chance to talk about it. Now that the Olympics were done, her brain was allowed to focus on other things.

“I know.” Ash replied. “But we’ve still got a good salary coming from US Soccer and we’ve got endorsements, and products. We’ll be okay.”

“What happens if one of us retires?” Ali asked. “I wanna get pregnant, but it’s a risk for me to do it now. We need to be more secure. There’s no guarantee I will be able to come back from a pregnancy and play on the national team....especially after being benched.”

“Babe, I promise it will work out.”

“What if you get hurt?” Ali asked. Ashlyn’s words did nothing to comfort her. “I’m scared we’re gonna end up on the street with our children starving to death.”

“Alex, that will not happen.” Ash replied. She put her arms around Ali and pulled her into a hug and said, “Our future will be whatever we make of it. I will do everything in my power to protect you and our kids.”

“I know.” Ali said. “But we’re talking about taking huge steps and I’m worried that because things are different than what we thought would happen, that now our security is gone.”

When they had first mapped out their short term goals, both women were confident of playing a larger role on the national team. 

“We can always play overseas.” Ash suggested.

Ali shook her head and said, “But we wanted to settle down.”

“We’ll settle down in Germany...or Sweden.”

“I just want us to be happy. I feel like we have given so much to this game and lately it feels like it’s gonna blow up in our faces. All of our plans have always worked around soccer. I’m getting sick of waiting and hoping.” Ali took a breath and said, “I want our happily ever after to start....Does that sound dumb?”

Ashlyn’s lips curled as she answered, “No. It’s sounds like what I’ve been feeling lately too. There’s been a lot of disappointment lately and all I want is you and a bunch of cute kids running around.”

“I’m glad we’ll have a little time together this week. Maybe we can start planning for some of the things we’ve been waiting on.”

Ali kissed Ashlyn’s jaw and rested her head on the blonde’s shoulder. The two women had a lot to think about. 

...

“How do you always manage to get sick at the worst possible time?” Ali asked. Her fiancé was fighting a cold. She hadn’t been sick until the morning Ali was scheduled to arrive in Orlando. “Seriously, Ash. We have so much to do today.”

Ali sat down next to Ash on their bed and felt the sick woman’s forehead. “Honey, I think you have a fever.” Her previous scolding was all for show. When she felt how hot Ashlyn was, her heart broke.

Ashlyn’s eyes felt heavy. Her breaths were slow. 

Ali kissed Ash’s cheek and said, “I’m gonna get you some medicine. Don’t worry about a thing. We can take care of everything tomorrow.”

On her way to Ashlyn’s car, Ali called their wedding planner and told her that they would need to reschedule. She was stressed out and wanted nothing more than to take care of the last few details of their big day, but Ashlyn needed her to put her agenda aside and relax. 

Relaxing didn’t come easy for Ali. She was a goal oriented person. She felt better when her daily routine was moving towards something bigger. That was one of the reasons she chose to play for her team as soon as she was available to. Ashlyn’s team didn’t have a game until the following week. Coincidentally it happened to be against Ali’s team. It was the perfect set up for them to enjoy some time together before the second part of the season took off. 

When Ali returned home with Ash’s cold medicine she gently woke the sick woman up. “Baby, take this.”

Ashlyn obeyed without a word. She finished her glass of water and used her sleeve to wipe her nose. 

“Ash, that’s gross.” Ali said. She handed her a tissue and asked, “How did you get sick? You were fine yesterday.

“Little Bubba is sick.” Ash answered, referring to her cousin’s son. “He gave me lots of kisses.”

“Is this how it’s gonna be?” Ali asked. She used another tissue and wiped Ash’s nose again. “Our kids are gonna get sick. I nurse them back to health and then you’ll get sick and I have to start all over again?” Ali jokingly sounded upset, but they both knew that Ali was internally swooning at the thought of a normal home life with their family.

“Sorry, Babe, but you knew when you agreed to marry and support me that I was prone to get upper respiratory infections. It’s part of the deal.” Ash joked. 

Ali waited for Ashlyn to stop coughing when she replied, “Well, you just remember that you knew about my shopping addiction when you agreed to marry and support me...Support as in emotional and financial. So...yeah.” 

Ali grinned as she watched Ashlyn’s slowed down, groggy brain try to interpret what she had just said. 

Ash gave a delayed response, “Oh...I get it.” 

Ali laughed at her and then laid down next to her. She took the blonde in her arms and said, “Get some sleep, Love. We have a game in a couple of days. You need to be at your best. You’re playing against me and I’m gonna be looking to score.”

...

The next morning Ashlyn yawned as she searched for her practice bag. She scratched her head and yawned again. “Alex!” Ash yelled toward the hallway that led to the kitchen where Ali was. 

Ash groaned when she leaned down to look under the bed and felt her head fill with pressure. Instead of standing back up she slowly made her way to the floor and laid down.

“Did you call for me?” Ali asked. She saw Ashlyn on the floor and panicked. “What happened?” 

“I just got tired.” Ash answered. 

“You scared me to death.” Ali replied. She helped her fiancé up and said, “Maybe you should skip practice today. I’ll bring you home some soup.”

“I’m fine.” Ashlyn said. She bent back down to look for her bag and fell forward into their bed due to dizziness. 

Ali caught her and slowly helped her to sit on down. “You’re staying home.” She kissed her hand and said, “I’m serious. You’re not going anywhere.”

“We have too much to do. I can’t be sick.” 

“Ashlyn, we do have a lot to do, but your health is more important. Please don’t worry about a thing besides getting better.”

Ali eventually persuaded her fiancé to take the day off. Once again, their to-do list would have to wait, but taking care of Ashlyn made Ali feel like they had a normal life together...and that’s all that they ever wanted.

...

After practice and a quick stop to pick up some soup, Ali returned to their shared home. Ashlyn looked much better than when she had left her that morning. Ali split the soup into 2 bowls and poured Ash a glass of her favorite iced tea. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Ali said. She kissed the top of Ashlyn’s head and squeezed her shoulder before she sat down and shared the soup she had brought.

“I’ve been thinking.” Ash said. She cleared her throat of the remnants of her cold and said, “This has been great. Me and you...together. This has been really good. Being together in Brazil and this week...I love it.”

“Me too.” Ali agreed.

“So, I’ve been thinking...”

“Uh oh.” Ali didn’t like the sound of that. 

“Maybe it’s time to hang em’ up. Maybe it’s best for us if I get a normal job. One that’s in the same state as you. Maybe we could start a family and not have to worry about never knowing what’s gonna happen with US Soccer and our club teams.”

“Ash...don’t even think about retiring.”

“Maybe it’s what’s best for us.” Ash said. “I can’t remember the last time I went a year without knee problems.” Ashlyn looked downward, trying to hide the disappointment in her eyes. “Maybe it’s finally time to give it up.”


	13. What's Next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it just so happens that the timeline of this story was/is taking place in the "present" when there happens to be a bunch of stuff (in real life) going on that could alter the storyline a little. That is one reason why it's taking me a little longer than usual to update, because there a few different directions that I can go. After this chapter things will begin to move faster and head towards the ending that I had always planned, even though the path to get there changed a bit.

Ashlyn’s tired and raspy voice yelled out to her back line. After leaving one of the Spirit’s best players wide open for a goal, Ash felt her team needed a passionate pep talk of sorts. It was more like a loud lecture of instructions due to her frustration, but at least she was trying...which was something that she felt like her teammates weren’t doing.

The first place Washington Spirit was much more organized. Their offense and defense were on a completely different level than the Pride. They were the best team in the league for a reason. 

Ashlyn really wanted to win against her fiancé, but she knew it was a long shot. Her best defenders were injured and Alex Morgan had yet to find chemistry with the midfield. The Orlando Pride was a work in progress. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. It was a brand new team. But of course Ashlyn’s competitive nature made it difficult for her anytime someone scored on her...regardless of the circumstances. And it didn’t help the situation that Ali would have bragging rights until the next time they played each other. 

“Don’t give up on the ball. Hustle!” Ashlyn screamed. 

She wanted to say a few more choice words but she held back. Cussing out her team probably wouldn’t be the best decision. 

After the game it only took a few minutes for her to cool off. They lost by one goal, which wasn’t as bad as most people expected. The Pride at least kept it competitive. Ash and Ali shared a hug and left to cool down with their teams. They signed autographs and had fun with the crowd. 

As usual, Ali was the last player to stick around to sign for the fans. Ashlyn thought about staying out there with her, but she was still feeling sick from the cold she was getting over. All she wanted to do was take a shower, change, and spend time with her fiancé.

...

After they had cleaned up, the couple spent time with their friends and family that had come to their game. Ali watched Ashlyn’s energy level quickly disappear. She had started out the night acting in a way that could only be described as hyperactive due to the excitement of having Ali close, but after a short time she was yawning and dragging. 

Ashlyn sat alone in a booth at a night club watching the group dance, drink, and talk while she sipped on an ice water and felt her eyelids get heavier and heavier. Ali slid next to her and said, “You okay?”

Ashlyn sniffled before she answered, “Yup.”

Ali moved as close as she could get to Ash and said, “Liar.”

Ashlyn didn’t argue. Instead she leaned her head against Ali’s shoulder and closed her eyes. A few minutes later Ali heard her Mom say, “Someone’s had too much to drink.”

Ali replied, “She’s sick. She hasn’t had anything to drink because of the cold medicine she’s taking.” 

Ali’s mother fussed over the keeper until Ali decided to take her home. The engaged couple had fun with their family and friends, but they really would have rather spent most of the evening alone. Ali was somewhat happy that their out of town guests were insisting that they leave.

Ashlyn fell asleep in the car on the way home.

...

The couple had romantic plans for the evening, but when they arrived at their Orlando home, Ali put on a movie and within minutes Ashlyn fell asleep, softly snoring, in the brunette’s arms. Ali didn’t mind. In fact, she loved it. She had felt that during the Olympics, Ash set aside her own feelings and needs to take care of her. Ali had been discouraged and disappointed with her playing time and treatment from their coach. Ashlyn made it her priority to support her. This sickness gave the defender an opportunity to finally take care of Ashlyn. 

After the movie had ended, Ali gently nudged her fiancé. She whispered, “Babe, time to go to bed.” 

Ashlyn’s breaths were heavy. Ali felt terrible having to wake her up, but she knew that their bed would be more comfortable. It took another gentle attempt, but Ashlyn clumsily stood to her feet and let her fiancé lead her to their bedroom. Ali changed into something more comfortable and tried to get Ashlyn to at least take off her jeans. Ash either ignored her or didn’t hear her, because she climbed right into bed, jeans and all.

Ali quietly laughed at Ash and finished getting ready for bed. Once she was ready, she pulled the covers off of Ashlyn and instructed her to cooperate with her attempts to take off her jeans.

“Ash, stop fighting me.” Ali said and lightly tapped Ashlyn’s hip. “Pull your legs out...”

Ashlyn did as she was told and was relieved when Ali finally turned off the light. The brunette cuddled up close to the blonde and said, “Let me hold you.”

Ashlyn rolled into Ali’s arms and said in a faint voice, “I’m sorry I ruined everything”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Ali replied. “I like taking care of you.”

Ash was seconds away from falling asleep when she promised, “I’ll have more energy tomorrow. We can do whatever you want.”

...

The next morning Ashlyn was still feeling sick, but once she had eaten and had started to move around she was feeling much better than the night before. Ali anticipated that their last day together would have to be more relaxing than they would have liked, but she was happy to be able to get some things on their agenda done. 

The first thing Ali wanted to cross off her list was to meet with their wedding planner. There were still some details that needed to be taken care of. Ashlyn was very attentive and helpful even though it was Ali who came with a notebook filled with ideas and plans. 

After their productive planning meeting, Ali and Ash stopped at a small cafe and bakery for lunch. Ali had another big item on her agenda that needed crossed off. 

“So Ash...” Ali said as she took a sip of lemonade. “Have you thought anymore abut retirement?”

“A little bit.” Ash replied. “I was sure it was the right thing until all the stuff happened with Hope.”

“I thought that might be the case.” 

“I don’t know.” Ash said. “You know our luck...I’m starting to feel like we shouldn’t let US Soccer dictate our plans.”

“I know what you mean.” Ali said. “But this really could be your best shot.” She added, “And my worst shot.”

The fact that it seemed like their coach was starting fresh could be a positive for Ashlyn, but a negative for Ali. Not to mention that their coach seemed to want a different defending style than what Ali excelled at. At one time she could have been considered the best in the world at her position. It was hard to judge how good Ali was now because of the lack of playing time and the different type of defense. How was Ali supposed to prove her value when the style of defense left her on the bench?

Ashlyn didn’t argue with Ali. Everything felt so uncertain. This time last year, they thought that for sure the Olympics were going to go much differently. A gold medal, a roster spot for Ashlyn, and a starting role for Ali seemed almost guaranteed. Things didn’t work out the way they had thought.

“It might not be my best shot either.” Ash said. Maybe Jill wants to really start over and bring in someone younger to replace me.”

Both women felt that they MIGHT have 4 more years with the national team. Ashlyn could go a little longer, but it was unlikely. As a soon-to-be married couple who was looking to start a family, they had to think of their future above all else. Was the stress and uncertainty worth it?

“I guess we should wait to see if we get called up into the next cycle and take it from there.” Ali said. “If that’s what you want to do.”

“You know what I wanna do?” Ash asked. “I wanna call Hope and make sure she’s okay. If anyone knows what it’s like to be jerked around by US Soccer, it’s me.”

Ali smiled sadly thinking back on all the times when Ashlyn should’ve been given a chance, but at the last moment her hopes came crashing to the ground. The blonde had been nothing but class when it came to Hope. Ali was so proud of her.

“It’s complicated.” Ash said. “I don’t know if she would want to hear from me.” The blonde added. “It could end up being the best thing that ever happened for my career.”

Being on such a competitive team meant that they often benefited from their close friend’s loss and vice versa.

“Baby, you shouldn’t worry about that. You deserve to play.” Ali replied. She smiled sincerely and said, “You’ve been waiting long enough. You’ve always been gracious and the bigger person. You deserve something good for once.”

“I don’t know...” Ash replied. Her sentence was cut off by a sneeze. Signs of sickness had been gradually getting more noticeable as the afternoon passed. It was becoming clear that the blonde needed to rest.

Ali passed a napkin to her and said, “I should get you home. But before we go...” Ali waited for Ash to wipe her nose to make sure she had her full attention. “I want you to do what makes you happy. I really do. You deserve that. Don’t let a disappointing professional year determine the rest of your career. Please promise me you won’t be too hard on yourself. Promise me you’ll make a decision based on what you want, not on disappointment. Because I know things will get better.”

Ashlyn felt sinus pressure building up in her head. Ali was thoughtful and protective. She was trying to encourage Ashlyn to do what was best for her and not to worry about anyone else. The worries of their future family and finances were things that she knew Ash carried on her shoulders. Unfortunately, Ash’s physical ailments made her head pound and dulled her mind. She was fading fast and Ali’s words, though important and meaningful, didn’t resonate the way Ali would have hoped. 

With glossy eyes, Ash nodded in agreement. Ali sighed quietly and said, “I think it might be best to talk about this later.”

Ali had to leave that night. After a private dinner at home, she kissed Ashlyn goodbye and instructed that she go straight to bed. Ali made a mental note to call her in the morning and see if she remembered anything that they had talked about on their lunch date. 

...

“Baby, you still sound so sick.” Ali said as soon as the blonde had answered her call. “You sound really worn out even though I know you slept most of the day and all night.”

“I’m okay.” Ash replied. “Just tired.”

The women spoke for a few minutes longer before they both had to get ready for practice. Ali sent a quick text to Alex and asked her to keep an eye on her sick fiancé while the were apart.

Alex sent a text to Ali after their practice that said Ash seemed fine and upbeat. Ali felt better about leaving, knowing that Ashlyn was on the mend.

...

The Pride lost another game. This time Ashlyn was scored on 4 times by a team that had it’s own struggles to deal with. Ash was furious, but more than anything she was discouraged. Before she left the locker room to leave with her team to the airport, she called Ali.

“I hate this.” Ash said. Her voice was quiet and defeated. 

Ali had played with the Spirit that night. The time difference meant that Ash’s game started later. Ali was out with her team and didn’t feel comfortable having too personal of a conversation with Ashlyn in front of them. She tried to keep her side of the conversation light and general.

Ashlyn continued to vent, “It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try. We still lose. I just want to win at least one more game. Why is that such an impossible request?”

Ashlyn sighed in frustration and said, “You’re with people, huh?”

“Yeah.” Ali answered, knowing that Ash needed her. “I can leave and call you back.” 

“No. You should stay with your team. I don’t wanna ruin your night.” Ash answered. 

Ali lowered her voice and said, “You could never ruin my night.”

“Isn’t it interesting that the Spirit are now in first place?” Ash asked rhetorically. “You just had to get rid of me to do it.”

Ali stood up and started to gather her things from the table. She was making her way to a private place to talk when she heard Ash said, “Forget it. I’ll talk to you later. Sorry....”

“Ash...” Ali interrupted before Ashlyn could hang up. “Give me a second and we can talk.” 

Ashlyn replied, “Have fun with your team. Don’t worry about me. I gotta go anyway. Love you.”

“Are you sure?” Ali asked. “We can talk more.”

“I’m sure. My team needs to get going anyway.”

“Okay...” Ali replied, knowing that everything wasn’t okay. “I love you.”

“I know.” Ash answered. “Love you too.” 

When they hung up all either of them wanted was to be together.

...

The following days Ali saw a few pictures and video clips online of her fiancé answering fans’ questions and making a video with a friend about suicide prevention. Alex was right, Ashlyn seemed fine. However, for some reason Ali felt that she wasn’t fine. 

Ash shared a few fan letters that spoke about the impact that the keeper had made in their life. Ali was incredibly proud.

“Baby, you are amazing.” Ali said. “You deserve all of those beautiful words.”

Ali wasn’t expecting Ashlyn’s reply. 

“I feel like a fraud.”

“Wait...what?” Ali asked. Her surprise wasn’t hidden.

“I’m so tired, Alex.” Ashlyn confessed. “I talk about things and offer hope to people like I have it to spare, but I’m feeling like I need it more than anyone else out there. I feel like I’m letting everybody down. If people really knew how weak I am, they wouldn’t be writing me letters about my strength and what I’ve overcome. I feel like I haven't overcome anything.”

Ali’s heart broke. She knew that something was going on with her fiancé, but she had dismissed it attributing the behavior to the sickness Ashlyn had been trying to get over. Ali was disappointed in herself. 

“Ash, I’m sorry. I should have been better about checking up on you.” Ali said. 

Ashlyn cleared her throat, fighting back tears and replied, “It’s not your fault. I’ve been trying to hide it. I’ve been pretending. Everyone expects me to be a certain way, or do a certain thing. I guess I’ve just been having another one of my low weeks.”

Ashlyn’s ‘low weeks’ as she called them, hadn’t been around for a while. Ali felt as if they were both caught off guard.

“Baby, you’ve been fighting for others. It has probably been really hard on you.” Ali said. “You haven’t disappointed anyone. You haven’t let anyone down. Your honesty is what makes people believe there is hope for them too. You struggle, just like them. That’s why you’re so amazing.”

Ash needed to hear every word Ali said. Ali reminded Ashlyn that there was a purpose in her suffering. Her pain could bring a greater good for others who felt the same kind of hurt that she did. Ashlyn was the type of person who really did care for people more than herself. It was exactly what she needed to hear.

Ash felt tears well up in her eyes and stream down her cheeks. Ali could almost feel the emotion from her fiancé from the other side of the phone. She waited patiently in silence as Ashlyn collected herself. 

After a long moment, that would have felt awkward if it was with anyone else, Ashlyn said, “I can’t wait to marry you. I can’t wait until there aren’t hundreds of miles between us and we can have a family together.”

Ali smiled. There was something about Ash’s voice that had changed since the start of their conversation. She heard a hopefulness in it.

...

“You sound like you’re feeling better.” Ali said. She had called Ash after the Pride’s game against Sky Blue.

Ali could almost hear Ash’s smile. 

“Yeah.” Ash said. “I mean, it was kind of a tough loss and a really emotional week, but I got to talk to a lot of people at the game about their struggle. It made me feel like I was making a difference.” Ash felt a little embarrassed. She felt like it sounded like she was bragging. “I mean...I don’t know...it just felt good to connect with people like me.”

Ali could read her fiancé perfectly. She smiled to herself and said, “Baby, you should feel good about all the people you have helped by being honest and so strong.” 

Ash mumbled something that sounded like she was trying to dismiss what Ali was saying. The brunette cut her off and said, “I know I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Babe.” Ash replied humbly. 

There were still days when she marveled that Ali loved her so much. It was part of her personal struggle to feel worthy of such a pure and deep love. That’s why she always wanted others to realize that they were worthy of it too. She knew what it felt like to feel like her best wasn’t enough.

The next time the women saw each other they were on their way to national team camp. Ash flew to DC to meet Ali before they both left on a short flight to Columbus to meet the rest of the team.

Ali met Ashlyn at the airport. She waited for her at baggage claim and was greeted by the blonde in a way that she had never been greeted before. 

Ashlyn practically ignored her. Ali asked, “How was your flight?” and “How are you feeling?” 

But Ash didn’t answer. 

Instead she dragged her by the hand to a secluded hallway. 

Ali started to speak again. “What are we doing here? We need to get your bag.”

Ashlyn answered, “Shhh...”

“What are you...” Ali tried to reply.

“Shhh...” Ash shushed again. “Just let me look at you for a minute.”

Ali thought for sure her fiancé was joking. She smiled slightly and straightened up. She pulled her shoulders back and puffed out her chest.

Ashlyn put both her hands on the sides of Ali’s face. She used her thumbs to trace the path of Ali’s cheekbones. Ali would have laughed at her fiancé’s strange behavior, but before she got the chance she noticed Ashlyn’s breathing slow down and the corner of her eyes moisten.

“Ash...honey...are you okay?” Ali asked. She had quickly moved from amused to concerned. 

“I am...” Ash said. She pressed her forehead against Ali’s and added, “...now.”

Ali kept still, sensing that Ashlyn needed her to go along with whatever was happening.

Ashlyn closed her eyes and sighed quietly. She released Ali and took a step backward before saying, “I really missed you.”

Ali smiled slightly. Though she felt Ash’s sentiments were sweet, she was still worried about the blonde. 

Ashlyn explained, “It may seem dumb, but I feel like everyday it gets harder to be away from you. We weren’t even apart for that long.” 

“I know what you mean.” Ali replied. She missed her fiancé every second of every day.

Ash continued, “It’s different this time.” She wiped her eyes and said, “Last time you were the one struggling with the distance. This time it’s me. We’re stronger than we were when you lived in Germany, but for some reason it feels harder now than ever before.”

“Ash, you’re stressed out. Overwhelmed. You’re having a hard time. Of course it’s hard right now. We’ve got the pressure of our wedding, the end of the NWSL season, and the national team drama.” Ali stuttered slightly when she added, “...and other things.”

“Other things...” Ash repeated. “You mean the retirement issue?” 

“Yeah.” Ali replied. She brought Ashlyn’s hand to her lips and after placing a soft kiss to it she asked, “Can we talk about this after we get your bag and go home, please?”

“I would actually prefer we don’t talk about it.” Ash answered. “I don’t have the energy.”

“Ash, I feel like it’s important. We need to talk about it.”

Ashlyn shook her head from side to side and turned toward the direction of baggage claim. 

Ali followed her and waited until Ash gathered her belongings. She knew that the blonde couldn’t avoid answering her for long. Ali offered to carry her bag, but Ash waved her hand and carried it herself. 

As the brunette led the way to her parked car, Ashlyn searched her brain for a reason to put off a conversation that she knew Ali would insist they have. On the drive to their apartment Ali caught Ashlyn taking nervous glances at her every few minutes. Ali kept her eyes forward and calmly laid her hand on the blonde’s bouncing leg. 

Ali held back a smile when she heard Ashlyn say in frustration, “You always do this!” 

“Do what?” Ali asked, faking innocence. 

“You stay quiet and supportive until I can’t hold it in any longer because all I really want to do is talk about it, but it’s easier to push it to the back of my brain, but then you act all calm and loving and make me feel safe and stuff...and then the very thing I was afraid to say is the only thing I can think of to say to fill the space...”

Ashlyn was rambling, but it all made sense to both women. 

In an even and smooth voice Ali asked, “What do you feel like you need to say?”

Ashlyn jokingly mocked her and said, “What do you feel like you need to say?” And then answered the question, “You already know. You just act like you don’t. You know what I think before I do. So why don’t you tell me what I feel like I need to say.”

Ali had kept a calm demeanor the entire time, but Ashlyn’s answer was not only hilarious, but right on the money. Ali broke and cracked a smile and a friendly chuckle. 

“You are too much.” Ali said. “I think you feel like you have been through an emotional season of life right now, and that any discussion about retirement will push you over the edge.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes and shook her head before replying with her own question, “So why do you ask me questions that you already know the answers to?”

“Because I know that HAO’s last game is coming and that you are going to have more thoughts on the subject and a lot more emotions. I want us to talk about this beforehand so that when those feelings come we can manage them and keep clear heads.” Ali answered. 

Ali squeezed Ashlyn’s thigh and asked, “So, what do you think?”

Ash sighed in surrender. She couldn’t hide anything from Ali. “I honestly don’t know. I know you’re right. I know that once we get to camp everything is going to be crazy, but I don’t have an answer yet. I don’t know what’s best for us.” Ashlyn exhaled in frustration and said, “I’m sorry, Alex. I don’t know what else to say.”

“That’s allowed.” Ali replied.

Ashlyn took Ali’s hand in her own and said, “Thank you for understanding. I needed to talk about this. Even if I feel like I don’t have the right answer, I know that I needed to talk to you about it.”

“I think that going into this camp, if we can just focus on camp and work our butts off like usual, then we can handle everything else after.” Ali added.

“Mm hmm.” Ash hummed in agreement. “So is that when we’re gonna talk about you leaving the Spirit and moving to Orlando?”

Ali smacked Ashlyn’s leg and said, “We’re not talking about that until after the playoffs.”


End file.
